


you're it for me

by TtotheYong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Lee Taeyong, CEO Lee Taeyong, Childhood Friends, College, Drunk Sex, Eventual Smut, Feelings and stuff, Flashbacks, Growing Up Together, High School, M/M, Mentioned Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Past Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Slow Build, Top Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Underage Drinking, Underage Kissing, Writer Jung Jaehyun, bear with me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:35:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23695537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TtotheYong/pseuds/TtotheYong
Summary: ~There was no reason to hide. He had just seen... an old friend. That was all.~Growing up Jaehyun and Taeyong were inseparable, best friends and maybe more, but they drifted apart years ago. Now Jaehyun is struggling at his new job at a large magazine where he dreams of becoming a writer. Taeyong is on his way to inheriting his father's investment banking firm. When they cross paths again it brings back a flood of memories and emotions for Jaehyun that he hadn't realized could still be so strong. But why does Taeyong seem so calm?In other words, Jaehyun and Taeyong meet again after many years and there are lots of flashbacks of different parts of their lives growing up together and falling in (and out of?) love.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 56
Kudos: 242





	1. Chapter 1

_~25 years old~_

"Oh come _on,"_ Jaehyun muttered, and resisted the urge to kick the copy machine that was currently refusing to spit out more than two pages before jamming. He had already pulled out partially shredded sheets of paper three times and didn't even have half the copies he needed.

"Hey, you're doing the notes for the meeting right?" Jaehyun looked up, startled, at the editor who had poked her head around the door. He was pretty sure she worked in Beauty. "Starts in 20, bring them straight to the back conference room." Jaehyun didn't get to respond before she disappeared. Shit.

He took a deep breath, sent out a prayer that the machine would cooperate, and fed through the papers again. His hands were squeezed into fists so tightly he could feel his short nails cutting into his palms and he wasn't sure he was breathing. But, miraculously, the machine held out until the last neatly stapled packet was sitting in the tray. Maybe there really was a god.

Jaehyun grabbed the stack of papers and hurried towards the back conference room, on the other side of the floor. He could already see some of the department editors inside the glass-walled room. He had been hoping to be able to drop the notes off in the conference room before anyone got there, but of course the machine had made that impossible. At least the meeting hadn't started, and from the way everyone inside was standing around casually, Jaehyun was pretty sure the potential investor they were meeting with hadn't arrived yet.

The office had been buzzing about this meeting for more than a week, although Jaehyun's understanding of what was going on was limited. He had only started at the magazine two months ago after finishing grad school, so he wasn't exactly in the thick of office gossip yet. And anyway, he was too busy and exhausted to devote any brainpower to who may be showing up to give money to the magazine. Technically he was a copy editor, but he did a lot of coffee-getting and copy-making and general errand-running too. He'd barely slept since starting the job because in between being essentially an assistant for everyone in Culture & Lifestyle, he still had to actually do the job he'd been hired to do.

Despite this, and despite barely knowing anyone in the office beyond the level of polite small talk, even Jaehyun knew this meeting was a big deal. Some CEO's son from a huge international investment banking firm was coming to look into the magazine and talk through potential plans for expansion. He was young, apparently, but had recently taken over the firm's local office and was looking to expand their investments into the arts and culture sphere. Beyond this, Jaehyun had no idea who the guy was. But he was certain showing up with the notes after his arrival would not have been great.

Jaehyun swallowed. The conference room door was open, a good sign. He stuck his head in. "Excuse me, here are the notes?" He cleared his throat, wishing he didn't sound so awkward. One of the editors gestured for him to put them around the table, and Jaehyun did, trying to remind himself that the whole room wasn't staring at him like he imagined because these people were all the top of the top at the magazine and didn't care about his existence at all. He placed some extra copies on a cabinet in the corner and hurried out of the room.

Why were they all so intimidating? It didn't help that every time Jaehyun had any interaction with a department editor, voices in his head started berating him for not making an impactful impression on them that could help him move up faster. All he wanted to do was write articles of his own but that felt a long way off.

Jaehyun was looking at his feet, like he usually did when he walked through the large open office space to get back to his cramped desk. He probably would never have looked up if the change in the sounds of the office hadn't been so noticeable. It wasn't quite a hush, just a clear shift of all the talking in the office towards one topic. So Jaehyun looked up. Across the huge space the elevator doors were closing. In front of them were two men and a woman, dressed impeccably in dark suits. The man in front was tilting his head down towards the much shorter woman, listening to whatever she was saying. The other man followed a step behind, carrying a large briefcase and tapping furiously on a phone. Jaehyun's pace slowed as he watched them. Everyone in the office seemed to have slowed down to watch with him.

Then the man in front nodded crisply and lifted his head, and Jaehyun stopped walking completely. _Holy shit._ Jaehyun felt suddenly very exposed standing up, visible over the low dividers that went between the desks. He was close to his own desk, so he forced himself to start moving again, bent over almost double to try to avoid being seen until he could slouch into his seat. _It can't be...._

Jaehyun stared unseeingly at the clutter on his desk. Now that he was hidden he couldn't convince himself it had made sense to react the way he had. He probably wouldn't have been seen. And if he had, so what? There was no reason to hide. He had just seen... an old friend. That was all. Jaehyun squeezed his eyes shut. The image of the man looking up immediately presented itself again. _Maybe it wasn't even him...._ But Jaehyun knew it was. He looked different--of course he looked different, it had been years--and the obviously expensive suit was jarring in and of itself. But after the man had looked up Jaehyun hadn't even registered the suit anymore, it was just those large dark eyes. And even though it had been impossible to see from that distance, Jaehyun's memory now also supplied the small distinct scar that he knew was etched below the man's right eye. Jaehyun could almost feel its soft ridges under his fingertips.

Jaehyun leaned forward until his forehead touched his desk. The smell of warm rain seemed to fill his nose. His face felt hot but his stomach felt like it was full of ice. It had been years. He tried to remember the last time they'd seen each other but couldn't, probably because whenever that had been, Jaehyun had never imagined they'd never see each other again. _Until now._ Instead, Jaehyun's brain was filled with an onslaught of other memories. His mouth felt dry.

_~6 years old~  
_

Jaehyun's mouth was full of dirt. He tried to spit it out and was at least able to breathe easier but he could still feel the freezing earth coating his teeth. Above him all he heard was laughing. There seemed to be speaking too, but he couldn't process any of the words. He was scared. His eyes were squeezed shut and he kept trying to curl his knees closer to his chest. His face was wet and he knew he was crying which was why the kids standing over him kept laughing, but he couldn't stop.

It was the middle of winter. Jaehyun had been walking home from school on his own like he had been doing for the past week since his mom's hours at work had changed. He didn't have a dad--well, he had, his mom had told him, but he had died in an accident and Jaehyun didn't remember anything about him. And he was pretty sure his mom was the best mom any kid had so it didn't matter. But she couldn't pick him up from school anymore and hadn't found anyone else to pick him up yet. They lived only a few blocks from the school, and one of Jaehyun's teachers always walked him out of the building and watched him get all the way down the street; when he finally was out of sight of his teacher he was already nearly halfway home so his mom agreed that this arrangement would be okay for now. She couldn't say no to the change in work hours, anyway, as she kept telling Jaehyun, although he had heard her say that the first time and wasn't sure why she kept repeating it almost every day.

Today, though, Jaehyun had veered off his normal route to go to the playground. He knew no one would be there because it was so cold: he would have it all to himself. And he had. He'd gotten to go on the swings without waiting, and climb up the slide over and over again without any kids tumbling down on top of him. But then some bigger kids had walked by and seen him. Jaehyun wasn't really sure what he had done, but they started talking to him. They kept saying things that sounded nice--"Hi, you're so cute aren't you? What's your name? How old are you? Aw, you're adorable...."-- but they kept talking so quickly that Jaehyun couldn't respond and he started to get confused. He was an only child, so he usually played with kids he didn't know and wasn't shy, but this didn't feel like when he talked to other kids.

They kept asking him if he wanted to play games he'd never heard of, and then one of the boys pushed his shoulder. The kids kept smiling and laughing so Jaehyun tried to smile too, but this made the kids laugh and it didn't feel like a nice kind of laugh. The boy kept pushing his shoulder and then something happened with his feet that Jaehyun still didn't quite understand and he ended up with his face being pressed into the ground. Now the kids stood over him laughing. At least they weren't pushing him anymore. He wished they would go away. He tried to stay quiet and small and hoped they'd forget about him.

One of the kids seemed to be calling him, and he felt a foot push his leg. It didn't hurt but Jaehyun felt more tears slide out from under his tightly shut eyelids. There was another nudge against his knees and Jaehyun held his breath so he wouldn't make a sound. He wished he had never come to the playground. He wished his mom had never had to work different hours.

And then Jaehyun realized it was quiet. He wasn't sure if it had just gotten quiet or if it had been quiet for a long time and he'd only just noticed. He didn't move. Maybe the kids were playing a trick on him. It was so cold. He wondered if tears could turn to ice. He finally opened his eyes a tiny bit. All he saw was the frozen ground and the swings a little ways off. He opened his eyes all the way and sat up. The playground was deserted again.

He got onto his knees and spat over and over again, sticking his finger into his mouth to try to get all the dirt out. It felt horrible and his stomach hurt. He could feel dirt stuck to the tear tracks on his face too, and it was all over his clothes. He crawled over to the play structure and scooched under the slide. He was worried the kids might still be nearby. Maybe they were waiting for him outside the playground. Maybe they would even follow him home, so they could bother him forever. He pulled his knees up to his chest and started crying again even though he'd thought he was done.

A noise made him look up. There was a boy a little ways away, ducking down to crawl under the play structure too. Jaehyun held his breath and moved back as far as possible. This wasn't one of the kids from before, but he looked about the same size as them. He had glasses and a scar near his eye that was definitely scary. "Hi," the boy said. But the other kids had said "Hi" too and they had been terrible. Jaehyun stayed quiet and kept his face mostly hidden behind his knees.

The boy stopped some distance away and squatted on his heels. He pulled something out of his pocket. Jaehyun watched warily. It was a toy. Jaehyun hadn't ever seen that kind of toy before, it wasn't any character he recognized. It looked like some sort of robot, and it had a lot of moving parts. The boy started playing, making sound effects. He didn't say anything else to Jaehyun, and Jaehyun didn't say anything either, just watched as the boy made the robot fly around, jumping off the poles of the play structure.

Jaehyun didn't notice that the boy had gotten closer as he played, and he also didn't notice that his tears had stopped flowing and dried again on his cold cheeks. The boy tried to make the robot do a complicated flip but he dropped it and when it hit the ground he made a huge explosion sound. Jaehyun laughed. The boy looked up and smiled. This made the scar near his eye wrinkle up and it didn't look quite so terrifying.

"I'm Taeyong," the boy said. Jaehyun didn't say anything but when Taeyong handed over the toy he took it, moving it's arms a little and staring. The boy kept talking. "Do you live near here? It's almost dark." Jaehyun hadn't thought about it getting dark. Nerves twisted in his stomach again. He kept his eyes on the toy. "I live over there," the boy was pointing. "What about you?" Jaehyun finally pointed in the same direction. "Okay, come on." The boy crawled out from under the play structure and Jaehyun followed, clutching the robot toy tightly.

When they had climbed out Jaehyun hesitantly held out the toy to the boy--Taeyong. "You can hold it," he said. Then he pulled his sleeve over his hand and wiped off Jaehyun face. Jaehyun wasn't sure if he liked this; he wasn't some little kid after all, he could wipe his own face. But he had forgotten about all the tears and dirt, and he didn't want his mom to see what a mess he was. She couldn't change her work hours and he didn't want her to think he couldn't take care of himself.

They walked out of the playground, and Jaehyun looked around nervously but didn't see the kids from before. They walked the few blocks to his house. Jaehyun kept playing with the robot that Taeyong had let him carry, and Taeyong every once in a while steered him with a hand on his shoulder that he barely noticed.

When they got to Jaehyun's house, his mom wasn't there yet. Jaehyun was sad because he really wanted to see her already, but he was relieved that it meant he wasn't too late after all and she wouldn't know he had gone to the playground. "Bye," Jaehyun said. He thrust the robot into Taeyong's hands, unlocked and opened the door and went in to the quiet house.

The next day Jaehyun told his teacher that an older kid would walk him home, and she waited with him outside the school until he saw Taeyong. He wasn't really sure if Taeyong actually would walk him all the way home, but he wanted to see if he had brought the robot again. When Taeyong came over the teacher seemed to know him and she asked him a bunch of questions that sounded boring. Jaehyun waited impatiently, trying to see if there were robot-shaped bulges in Taeyong's coat pockets.

As soon as the teacher went inside Jaehyun asked, "Taeyong-hyung, do you have the robot again?"

Taeyong looked surprised. "Oh, no, not today, sorry-- Uh, what's your name?"

"Jaehyun," said Jaehyun quickly. He felt disappointed. He also felt a little nervous that maybe now the boy wouldn't have any reason to walk with him again. He felt a little scared to walk alone today but he didn't want to say so. But Taeyong started walking himself and since it was in the direction of Jaehyun's house he thought maybe he could just follow him.

The next day when Jaehyun found Taeyong after school, the older boy had the robot and handed it to Jaehyun right away. When they got to Jaehyun's house, he was reluctant to give the robot back, but his mom had told him over and over again that he should never let anybody inside the house except for her. So he convinced Taeyong to sit with him on the front steps instead until Jaehyun's mom got home and saw them there, both smiling but very cold. It wasn't until hours later, after Jaehyun's mom had brought them both into the house and warmed them up with hot tea, that Jaehyun realized Taeyong hadn't taken the robot with him when he left. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun can't hide his face forever ;)

~25 years old~

Jaehyun lifted his head off his desk. He realized that noise in the office had returned to its normal volume, and when he peeked around the office he could see that the conference room door had closed and the blurry shapes behind the glass all seemed to be seated.

Jaehyun took a breath and tried to remember what he should be working on. He had no idea how long the meeting would last. He prayed no one would ask him to do anything until everyone left. Until Taeyong left. The thought that Taeyong was sitting just on the other side of the office, that he had appeared here, at Jaehyun's new job, in a city neither of them had lived in before, was almost surreal. But Jaehyun, as usual, had a lot of work to do, so he tried his best to push Taeyoung out of his mind.

An hour passed. Jaehyun had edited an article and was now trying to schedule flights for two staff writers and a photo editor to attend a series of meetings at one of the magazine's international offices. No one had paid him any mind or added any tasks to his to-do list and he had started to relax. He kept peering over the cubicle dividers to check if the meeting was still in progress, but he was mostly able to avoid thinking about the fact that Taeyong was one of the people behind the glass. Jaehyun was managing instead to just think of it as an investors meeting, the way the rest of the office was.

"Jaehyun!" Jaehyun jumped so badly his chair swiveled around and he had to turn back awkwardly to see who was calling him.

"Sh-- Oh, sorry. Um, yes?" Jaehyun managed. A man who didn't look much older than he was and who Jaehyun didn't recognize was staring at him, looking slightly out of breath.

"Go get the September, December, and March issues from the past two years and bring them to the conference room. The editors only had recent issues, I guess they want to look at some older stuff. Fast, okay?"

Jaehyun nodded and stood up, but his throat had gotten very dry. Why couldn't this guy go get the magazines himself? He didn't look terribly important, although Jaehyun had to admit that wasn't always easy to tell. Anyway, the guy had already hurried away. Jaehyun headed off in the opposite direction and took the stairs down three floors to where the layout and design offices were, as well as all the storage where past issues were kept. Jaehyun supposed all the errands he'd had to do down here were paying off because he was able to find everything he needed quickly and hurry back upstairs.

Outside the conference room Jaehyun paused and tried to catch his breath after nearly running up three flights of stairs. He ducked his head and slipped into the room. The people around the table were all talking in groups of two or three and no one paid him much attention. He tried not to even look towards Taeyong, but he nonetheless spotted him immediately. He had his head down and was scribbling notes on a pad of paper in front of him while he talked to the Editor-in-chief and the same Beauty editor that had spoken to Jaehyun earlier. His dark hair was parted severely on the side and combed up off his forehead, and he wasn't wearing his glasses, which made his face look sharper than Jaehyun remembered, although no less beautiful. The sound of his voice seemed to cut right through the considerable noise in the room and it reached Jaehyun's ears clearly even though the words were too jumbled to understand. It had been a long time since Jaehyun had heard that voice. For a split second he swore he could hear it saying his name, low and desperate, _Jaehyun_.... His face felt hot as he approached the table and reached to place the magazines on it. _Don't look up, don't look up._

Taeyong's voice cut off. Jaehyun kept his eyes on the magazines, hoping it was just a coincidence. "Jaehyun?" Taeyong's voice wavered. Jaehyun heard him clear his throat, and when he spoke again his voice was back to normal, maybe a little more commanding now. Grown up. "Jaehyun-ah?"

Jaehyun looked up, and tried to pretend to be surprised. He wasn't sure he pulled it off. "Oh, wow, Taeyong-hyung? Hi." Jaehyun was pretty sure he was blushing. He hoped that anyone who noticed would just think it was because he was a lowly nobody having a sudden reunion with a very wealthy investor in front of people who were so high ranking they didn't even know he existed.

The Editor-in-chief--a woman Jaehyun had never spoken to in his life--chimed in, "Oh, do you both know each other?"

Taeyong seemed to have completely regained his composure. "Yeah, we grew up together. Wow, what a small world, it's really been a while!" Jaehyun managed to smile awkwardly and nod. He had left the magazines on the table and was trying to edge backwards towards the door. "We should catch up sometime, right? Get drinks or something."

Jaehyun wondered how Taeyong could be so calm. Then he wondered why he wasn't calm himself. There was nothing that weird about this interaction. They _had_ grown up together. The natural thing to do was to catch up. "Yeah, for sure." Jaehyun managed to smile and finally escape the conference room, avoiding the editors' surprised stares and his own pounding heart.

~9 years old~

Jaehyun woke groggily, his mother shaking his shoulder. Was it time for school already? No, it was a Saturday. Then he noticed it was still dark. "Mom?"

"Hey, hi sweetie. Don't be scared, but Aunty Soo Yeon got pretty sick and had to go to the hospital. I'm going to go see her and I'll probably stay there. Taeyong's mom said you can sleep at their house okay?"

Jaehyun still felt disoriented. "No, no.... I want to go with you."

"No, Jaehyunnie, I'm sorry. You can come to see Aunty soon once she's a little better."

"Will she get better?"

"Yes, she'll be okay, sweetie. It sounds like the doctors are doing a good job already, but I need to go see her and talk to them some more too, okay?"

Jaehyun nodded. His head hurt. "Okay."

His mom smiled. "Okay. You don't need to get all the way dressed but put on a sweater and your shoes. I put some other clothes in your backpack. Let's go soon."

It wasn't until they were in the car that Jaehyun realized he'd never been to Taeyong's house before. He knew he lived close by, close enough that if his mom hadn't needed to drive to the hospital they could have walked. But he'd never even seen the house from the outside. For the last three years he and Taeyong had walked to Jaehyun's house almost every day after school. Taeyong usually showed up on the weekends too; they had become almost inseparable. Jaehyun's mom liked having him around, and now that he was a little older Jaehyun understood that she must have been relieved that he had had someone older--even if only by two years--to watch out for him back when he was only six. Jaehyun still didn't like thinking about how exactly they had met, and he had never told his mom about the kids in the playground. But he still had the robot Taeyong had given him on his shelf and every time he started to think about the sound of those kids laughing he skipped through the memory and tried to focus on Taeyong instead, on the funny sounds he'd made playing with the robot, the way he'd quietly wiped Jaehyun's tears and led him home.

After only a few minutes Jaehyun's mom pulled over and parked the car. Jaehyun peered outside the window. "Is that it?"

"That's it."

The street they were on was lined with houses that were big enough that they could still be seen beyond the tall walls and gates that cut them off from the sidewalk. Jaehyun had no idea a street like this existed so close to his own. It was like a different world; even the streetlights were fancier than any Jaehyun had seen before.

"Come on, sweetie." Jaehyun's mom was getting out of the car. He followed her to the gate which seemed to tower over them both. She pressed a button and a scratchy voice came through an intercom, and after his mom responded the gate clicked loudly and they walked through. They walked up a long path through gardens full of plants Jaehyun hadn't ever seen before. Little lights glowed along the path and lit the huge front doors of the house.

"Mom, is Taeyong rich?"

"Um, well. You shouldn't always judge things like that just from what you see, Jaehyun, but his father owns a company so, yes, that is one way to make a lot of money."

"How come I never knew? And why does he go to the same school as normal kids like me?"

Jaehyun's mom reached out and rang the doorbell. "What do you mean 'normal'? Anyway, you go to a good school, why wouldn't he go there?" Jaehyun frowned. He was pretty sure his mom knew what he meant by "normal." Normal meant not living in a house as big as the town's high school. At least the amazing house had distracted him from the reason they were there in the first place.

However he remembered again as soon as a woman opened the door in front of him and his mom handed him his backpack, saying, "I'll come pick you up tomorrow okay? And you know my phone number if you need anything right?"

Jaehyun swallowed. He wanted to tell her not to go. This house was huge and scary and he only knew one single person inside all that endless space. But he knew his mom was worried too. He wished he was still a little kid who could beg her to stay, but he wasn't, he was nine. So he just nodded.

"Hi, Jaehyun. I'm Taeyong's mom. I'll bring you upstairs to his room so you can get some sleep, okay? You must be pretty tired." Jaehyun didn't feel very tired but he nodded again. He supposed even big kids still hugged their moms goodbye when being basically abandoned in strange mansions, so he turned around and wrapped his arms tightly around her waist.

She kissed the top of his head and said softly, "I'll see you tomorrow sweetie. Sleep well." Then she said, louder, "Thank you so much for taking care of him. I'll call tomorrow." Jaehyun pulled away reluctantly and followed Taeyong's mom into the house.

She led him up a wide staircase and then another narrower staircase to Taeyong's room. She kept her voice to a whisper as she opened the door and when Jaehyun peered in he could see that Taeyong was asleep in a bed which he didn't fail to notice was twice the size of his own. "Here, Jaehyun, I had them set up another little bed for you here, okay? That door over there is to the bathroom if you need it. Do you want any water or anything?" Jaehyun shook his head. He was still marveling at the fact that Taeyong had a bathroom inside his bedroom and wondering who "they" were that had set up his bed. He put his backpack down and she lifted up the pile of blankets that had been put out over a soft mat on the floor. It was comfortable. He lay there on his back while she fussed over him.

There was rustling up on the bed above him. "Mom?" came Taeyong's voice.   
"Oh, Taeyong-ah, I didn't mean to wake you up."

"What's going on?" Jaehyun could hear the sleep in Taeyong's voice. "Why's Jaehyun here?"

"His aunt got sick and his mother went to see her in the hospital so he's going to stay here tonight okay? I'm sure he's tired, you should go back to sleep. You should both go to sleep, okay?" She pulled the blankets a little higher over Jaehyun and he nodded as best he could but his throat had started feeling tight. She smiled at them both and left, turning off the light and closing the door softly behind her.

Jaehyun stared at the dark ceiling. In his room at home the streetlights filtered through the curtains and made familiar patterns above his bed, but here the house was so far away from the street that the room was totally dark. Tears started sliding out of the corners of his eyes and running down into his ears. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to hold his breath so Taeyong wouldn't hear, but when he finally had to breathe it came out as a sob. He pushed his hands hard into his eyes, frustrated at himself. How come Taeyong never cried? It felt like Jaehyun did all the time. 

Taeyong was quiet and Jaehyun hoped he had fallen back asleep and hadn't heard anything after all. He couldn't hold his breath anymore and he couldn't stop himself from crying. He missed his mom. He wanted his aunt to be okay and he wanted his mom to come back and get him and he wanted to be in his own small bed with the glare of the streetlights banishing the shadows. 

"Hey, Jaehyun?" Taeyong's voice was soft, a little nervous. Jaehyun pushed his hands harder into his eyes until he saw bright spots behind his eyelids and his head ached. Why wouldn't Taeyong just fall asleep already? "Do you wanna see something?" Jaehyun released some of the pressure against his eyes. This wasn't what he expected Taeyong to say, but he didn't want to see anything. He wanted Taeyong to leave him alone and he wanted to forget about everything and fall asleep himself. "I drew something in art class this week, it's cool... I think. Come up here and see."

Jaehyun took his hands off his eyes and glared at the ceiling. His ears felt cold where they'd gotten wet from his tears and he rubbed them against his shoulders. Why was Taeyong trying to show off some stupid drawing at a time like this? Taeyong had fallen silent and Jaehyun couldn't even hear him moving up on the bed. He risked a glance upwards but couldn't see anything. The room stayed silent. Jaehyun sat up, telling himself it was just to check if Taeyong had fallen asleep again after all.

Taeyong wasn't asleep. He was sitting up with some sheets of paper spread out on the comforter over his lap. Jaehyun wiped at his eyes and squinted at them but he couldn't make them out in the dark room. Taeyong pushed the comforter next to him down a little and Jaehyun finally got up and climbed into the space this had made. The bed was warm and softer even than Jaehyun had imagined. Taeyong clicked on a small flashlight and Jaehyun squinted away from the light, but then his eyes widened as the pages in front of him became visible.

The drawings weren't like any pictures he'd ever seen kids draw in art class before. They looked like they were right out of a movie, something dark and even scary but also full of magic. One page showed a gaping cave with three creatures crawling out. They were incredibly detailed and each one was different, but there were a lot of fangs and claws, scales and fur, huge shining eyes. Another page showed what looked like a desert, endless and bleak. An enormous raptor that looked like a combination of a real bird of prey with maybe five other animals soared over the space clutching a dragon in its talons. The last page showed the dragon curling over sharp rocks sticking out from the side of a cliff while a stormy ocean raged below.

"Woah," said Jaehyun. He was amazed by the pictures, but he was equally amazed that he had never had any idea Taeyong could draw like this. They were best friends, shouldn't he have been aware of this incredible talent? He wasn't sure he had a lot of talents himself, but he was certain Taeyong knew all of them. "How do you think of this stuff? These creatures?"

Jaehyun felt the older boy shrug next to him. "I don't know. I just kind of start drawing and put the pieces together as they come to me."

"Is this the same dragon?" Jaehyun asked, pointing to the dragon on the cliff and the one being clutched by the flying predator.

"Huh. I didn't really think about it. I guess it could be."

Jaehyun stared at Taeyong. How could he not think about these things and still manage to draw like this? Whole stories were already unraveling in his own mind just from seeing these drawings for a minute; he couldn't imagine if he'd actually dreamed up these creatures himself. "I think it's the same dragon. Maybe it got free from the... from that bird thing. It got free and it's trying to hide out on those sharp rocks because the bird won't see it down there. Hm. But it has to get back to its... cave? The cave where it really lives. Maybe it has baby dragons it has to get back to feed. They're all alone in the cave and they're really scared because their mom isn't back yet and they know how dangerous everything is out there. Look at the desert. What do they even eat?" Jaehyun looked up. Taeyong was staring at him. "What?"

"Nothing, I just never really thought of... stories for the things I draw. Maybe you should make a story about the dragon. I can draw more. Hold on." Taeyong leaned over the edge of the bed and came back with a pad of paper and a pencil. "Let me draw the cave with the babies."

"Oh no!" Jaehyun gasped. Taeyong actually jumped and stared at him again, looking worried. "What if the dragons live in the cave those three monsters are coming out of? What if they did something to the babies?"

Taeyong looked kind of alarmed. Jaehyun stared nervously at the monsters coming out of the cave. "No," said Taeyong. "No, I don't think those are bad monsters. Maybe they went to check on the baby dragons. Or maybe the baby dragons hid. Maybe their mom told them to hide if anyone comes before she's back and they did so they're safe?"

"Yeah," nodded Jaehyun. "Yeah, they probably hid. Those monsters are definitely bad, hyung, look at them."

Taeyong started to draw on a fresh sheet of paper and Jaehyun watched, making suggestions, and soon the interior of a cave emerged, with four little dragons of different sizes carefully poking their heads out from behind a sharp edges of rocks. Jaehyun felt relieved to see them there, even though he knew they were imaginary and he could make them do whatever he wanted. This made his head hurt a little less. He could decide what happened to the dragons, what happened to the raptor, what happened to the monsters who'd tried to find the baby dragons, and Taeyong could draw it all exactly the way he described.

Jaehyun kept talking and Taeyong kept drawing until the mother dragon had outsmarted the raptor and made it back to find all her babies safe and sound in their cave. Taeyong was still finishing the last drawing, mumbling softly to himself, when Jaehyun felt his eyes start to close. He curled up against the soft pillows next to Taeyong and tried to keep watching him draw, but he soon drifted off to sleep and had strange beautiful dreams.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A real conversation happens! More accurately Jaehyun wonders what's going on in Taeyong's head and can't figure it out. Also Jaehyun's boss helps move things along..?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well here is a pretty short chapter, hope you still enjoy! i think chapters will start getting longer.

~25 years old~

When Jaehyun got back to his own desk his heart was still beating hard. He ducked his head and tried to get back into his work, and it helped a little. He was still surprised by how strong his reaction to seeing Taeyong again was. It wasn't like Jaehyun had been agonizing over his absence. He thought of him from time to time, of course, wondered how he was doing, even missed him. But the memories weren't overly painful. The two of them had simply fallen out of touch, and Jaehyun tried not to dwell too much on the reasons why that might have happened and how it was probably his fault. Sure, for a long time Jaehyun had taken for granted that he would always have Taeyong in his life. But when that wasn't how things turned out it hadn't felt like a tragedy. Instead, Jaehyun accepted it the way he accepted a lot of other things that hadn't happened the way he imagined, like working as a copy editor at a magazine instead of becoming a famous author. Although, he reminded himself sternly, he still had time to achieve that. Jaehyun glanced at the conference room and wondered how much longer the meeting would go on. He couldn't decide if he wanted to see Taeyong again before he left or not. 

Ultimately, his indecision didn't matter. "Jaehyun?" Jaehyun nearly jumped out of his chair for the second time that day and looked up. Taeyong was smiling down at him. Jaehyun tried to decide if the older looked nervous but his face was hard to read behind the smile. Taeyong had always been the calmer one, though, even when they were kids. _Not always_ , a small voice edged into Jaehyun's brain. He silenced it and stood up.

"Hyung! Hi, nice to see you again," Jaehyun grinned and thought his voice sounded appropriately cheery. His ears felt hot but there wasn't much he could do about that. Unfortunately, if anyone would notice and understand the feelings this betrayed it was probably Taeyong. Unless he had forgotten such small details, which he probably had.

Now that Jaehyun was standing so close and didn't have every editor at the magazine staring at him he couldn't help but focus on the details of Taeyong's appearance, and how he'd changed. He knew he'd seen Taeyong without his glasses plenty of times growing up, but there was usually a reason for them to be off: he was swimming, for example, or playing sports, or sleeping. But Jaehyun always remembered Taeyong as a boy who wore glasses and it was strange seeing Taeyong without them now. Between the suit and the combed hair and the intense eyes he looked like he'd grown up a lot more than Jaehyun had in the years since they'd seen each other.

"Are you free today?" Taeyong asked, still smiling. Was it just a polite smile, one he would give to everyone? Or was there something more there, some genuine happiness to be seeing Jaehyun again? Or maybe not happiness, maybe some other emotion entirely.

"Oh, well--" Jaehyun was about to say he still had a lot left to do and would probably have to work late, which was true and had been true almost every day since he started the job. But a voice interrupted him.

"Oh, it's already 4 o'clock, you can take the rest of the afternoon off." Jaehyun looked over and saw the Culture & Lifestyle editor--his boss--looking at them with a large smile plastered on his face. He had been in the meeting earlier and must have been the one to bring Taeyong to Jaehyun's desk. Jaehyun wasn't generally an oblivious person but he hadn't even noticed the editor standing there until he spoke, and his ears reddened further when he thought about where his attention had been focused instead. His boss was still speaking. "It's not every day you run into an old friend." He chuckled good-naturedly. Jaehyun wasn't sure the man had ever even smiled at him before.

Jaehyun wasn't sure what to say. He really did have so much work to do, work he doubted his boss would actually appreciate being delayed. But he couldn't point that out now, especially not in front of Taeyong, who was here in the first place because this editor, and the rest of the company, wanted his money. Jaehyun supposed this explained the sudden friendliness.

Jaehyun managed to nod. "Oh, um, then yes, I'm free."

Taeyong smiled wider. "Great! I'll meet you down in the lobby then?" Jaehyun nodded. "See you soon, Jaehyun-ah." The look Taeyong gave him as he said his name made Jaehyun feel a little strange. It was hard to tell how much of what he was seeing was the Taeyong he'd grown up with, and how much was an older, richer, more commanding Taeyong that he wasn't sure he really knew.

Taeyong headed towards the elevators and before following him, Jaehyun's editor leaned in and spoke in a low voice, "Have a good time, okay? And if you have a chance, talk up the magazine a bit, right? You know, talk about the articles you like, normal stuff, but make it sound good, you know? His investment would go a really long way for us, uh...." He trailed off and Jaehyun considered the possibility that it was because he had forgotten his name.

"Don't worry," Jaehyun smiled again. Actually, judging by the ache in his cheeks, he'd been smiling since he'd forced the grin onto his face to cover up his surprise at Taeyong's appearance. "I'll say wonderful things. And for the record, they won't be lies, I really do admire this magazine, sir. I've wanted to write here for a long time." Jaehyun couldn't tell if his boss was terribly interested to hear this but at least he had said it. It was the truth after all.

Once the editor had hurried to catch up with Taeyong, Jaehyun turned back to his desk and started organizing his things, taking as long as possible and wondering what one talked about when going out for drinks with a person with whom you'd once shared everything but for the past seven years hadn't spoken at all.

~11 years old~

The sun was glaringly bright and seemed to come from all directions at once, blazing down from the cloudless sky and scattering off the waves. Jaehyun's hands were full of wet sand. He looked up and squinted at Taeyong who was crouching a little way off, inspecting shells carefully before tossing them into a bucket or back onto the beach. These would be the finishing touches to the monstrosity they had built over the past hour of low tide. It certainly wasn't a castle; instead it was more of a warren, a maze of caverns carefully hollowed out of the packed wet sand they'd piled up between them.

While they built they had talked about what creatures would live there. Or rather, Jaehyun had mostly talked. He was usually the one who did the storytelling, while Taeyong made the things they imagined come alive with his pictures. Jaehyun had started writing his stories down, too, and he and Taeyong had filled many notebooks with the results. The beach wasn't the best place for paper, but Taeyong still seemed content to listen to the stories Jaehyun unraveled and chime in with suggestions every so often as they built up the sand caves.

Taeyong returned and they began carefully arranging the shells in the different hollow spaces they'd made, each shell a different character. Some of their characters showed up in a lot of stories--one of Jaehyun's favorites was still the dragon that Taeyong had first drawn years before. Others were imagined from scratch each time. Recently Jaehyun had started putting human characters in his stories too. Two days before, while spending a rainy day of their summer vacation reluctantly shut inside, Jaehyun had flipped through one of Taeyong's sketchbooks and seen endless pages filled with incomplete drawings of people, as though he was practicing drawing humans after years drawing only fantastical creatures that he could make look however he wanted. Jaehyun felt sort of proud at the thought that Taeyong, who was older and always at the top of his class and good at everything he ever tried to do, was working so hard on drawing something new just for Jaehyun's stories.

"There," Taeyong said, embedding the last shell in the sand. He and Jaehyun leaned back to admire their work. Jaehyun's mind was still filled with the story they'd been creating but he heard their mothers calling them from the umbrella they were sitting under. The boys reluctantly left the water's edge to have sunscreen slathered over their backs and cold bottles of water thrust into their hands.

"Can we go explore the rocks?" Jaehyun asked. There was a large tumble of boulders that sloped across the beach, full of strange gaps and holes hollowed through them by the water. Jaehyun supposed that must have happened in ancient times because the tides no longer reached high enough, which made them perfect for exploring. After being deemed too small for years, Jaehyun had finally been allowed to go explore the rocks with Taeyong this summer and they had done so every time they had come to the beach so far.

The two women squinted over at the rocks. "Okay, but be careful, you know the rules. And don't stay too long."

Thrilled, Jaehyun turned and started walking down the beach, only to flinch as Taeyong flew past him, sand spraying up under his feet. Jaehyun started running to catch up. He never could when Taeyong truly ran his fastest like this, but he didn't really mind. After kneeling in the sand for so long building it felt good to run.

They reached the rocks quickly and started to scramble up them to their favorite spot, a strange hollow carved out between two of the higher boulders. The space was open on both sides but completely closed overhead by rock, and sitting inside was like sitting in an enormous stone tire. The space was too small for most of the bigger kids to stay in comfortably, and smaller kids weren't able to climb high enough, so Taeyong and Jaehyun could usually hide out there whenever they wanted. Today was no different. They settled in side by side and pretended to spy on the people scattered across the beach below, making up elaborate stories about them and dissolving into fits of laughter.

The sun slid across the sky and slanted into their hideout, hitting Jaehyun's side. The sunlight was pleasantly warm and felt gentler than when they'd been out on the beach. He started to lose focus on the people on the beach, and was vaguely aware of Taeyong still talking as he drifted to sleep.

Jaehyun awoke slowly some time later. He supposed not much time had passed because the sun was still warming his skin, although it had stretched further into their space. His head had dropped down against Taeyong's shoulder as he slept and he could hear the older boy humming to himself quietly above Jaehyun's head. The slant of the sun made everything look hazy and soft and Jaehyun wondered for a moment if he was really awake after all. The rock was very warm against Jaehyun's back and Taeyong's shoulder was very warm and slightly sweaty against the side of Jaehyun's face.

Jaehyun could see the clear sky beyond their little tunnel of rock without moving his head so he stayed still for a while, his breath still slow and even, his limbs heavy. He stared at the sky and listened to Taeyong's humming and the sound of the waves and wished they could stay hidden in this warm pocket of stone forever.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grown-up Jaeyong get drinks :) 
> 
> Not-grown-up Jaeyong fight :(

_~25 years old~_

The elevator doors dinged and slid open. Jaehyun saw Taeyong right away across the lobby, talking to the security guard near the front doors. The man and woman he had arrived for the meeting with were no longer with him. Jaehyun took a breath and stepped out of the doors.

Taeyong looked up as Jaehyun approached and smiled widely at him. Jaehyun tried to match it but his stomach was in knots. He already couldn't imagine keeping up an entire conversation with Taeyong. Or, more accurately, he couldn't imagine keeping up an entire conversation that would manage to steer clear of any awkward subjects. He could hear Taeyong's voice, echoing in his head from years before, sounding hurt, _Why didn't you call?_ Jaehyun realized he was wincing and tried to smile again.

"Hi, Jaehyun-ah, you're ready?" Jaehyun nodded and followed the older out of the building. "I know a good bar, unless you have a place in mind?"

"Oh, no, I don't have anywhere in mind so that's fine." Jaehyun's nerves increased as they approached a sleek black car with deeply tinted windows and a man in a crisp suit opened the back door, bowing slightly to Taeyong. Taeyong stepped back and gestured for Jaehyun to slide in first. As he settled against the leather seats he could swear the car even smelled like money. He supposed he'd been in cars like this before, but it was different that this one was clearly Taeyong's, and that the driver called Taeyong "Boss."

"Did you finish up work okay?" Taeyong asked. He sounded cheerful. Jaehyun was about to say something banal and uninformative when Taeyong's phone rang and the older answered it, frowning at the caller ID and then looking apologetically at Jaehyun. The call stretched on; it was clearly about work. Jaehyun relaxed a little against the seat, only half listening, watching the city slide past outside the window. He liked the sound of Taeyong's voice. Taeyong spoke more sharply now that he was talking about work, but his voice was still smooth and expressive the way Jaehyun remembered. There was something reassuring about the familiarity.

The car pulled over on a stylish looking street. Young, well-dressed people covered the sidewalks and filled the numerous restaurants. Jaehyun was about to open the car door but hesitated when he realized the driver was getting out to do that for them. When they walked into the restaurant the host at the door greeted Taeyong by name. Jaehyun felt self-conscious as they made their way over to the bar. A perk of working at a magazine was a very lax dress code, and the types of places he usually went for drinks had never made him feel self-conscious about it, but now he wished he were wearing a suit. Although, Jaehyun acknowledged, even a suit he owned would have been so obviously unstylish and inexpensive compared to Taeyong's that it probably wouldn't have had the desired effect.

At the bar Jaehyun managed to keep his eyes only on the beer selections, which he knew would be cheapest, and he ordered one without even considering the rest of the menu. Jaehyun was sort of surprised when Taeyong just ordered a beer too. He supposed he didn't really know much about Taeyong's drink preference, though, so perhaps this wasn't a significant choice at all.

"So, how have you been? It's been so long, I can't believe this," Taeyong said. Jaehyun glanced at him, looking for an accusation in the older's eyes, but there was none. Instead Taeyong was looking at him with a slight smile on his face. His eyes were bright. He just looked genuinely happy to see Jaehyun again. Jaehyun felt a little guilty for focusing so much on the things that he had assumed would make their reunion tense. Taeyong had clearly let everything go, and so had Jaehyun, really, at least until it had rushed back into his mind again at the sight of the older earlier that afternoon. They had years of friendship behind them, of course that should outweigh a few regrets.

"Yeah," Jaehyun smiled and for once it didn't feel completely forced. "Yeah, it really has. And I've been pretty good. I just started this job a couple months ago...." Jaehyun had forgotten how easy it had always been to talk to Taeyong, but now that he had something concrete to talk about the words started to come more readily. He told the older about grad school, about how he'd gotten the job at the magazine, about how he was trying to be patient because he knew he was barely starting his career but how it was hard not to get to do what he loved yet.

"What about your stories?" Taeyong asked. "Have you still been writing them? They were always so good."

"Oh, well, you know," Jaehyun rubbed the back of his neck. "I guess not so much recently. In grad school I was writing all the time but it wasn't really like the stories we used to write. I don't know, people in my classes were always writing serious, realistic things. I felt like I should do the same, write something substantial, I don't know. I guess it's been a while since I wrote something full of monsters and adventures." Jaehyun smiled a little, feeling suddenly nostalgic for the ease with which those stories had always flowed out of him. "Now I just don't have time to write at all, to be honest. What about you? Have you kept drawing?"

"Yeah, actually. Not as much as before, but when I can." Taeyong looked thoughtful. "I think that might be the only thing that I've always done, that's stayed the same, since we..." His eyes flicked to Jaehyun and away, "Since we were kids." Jaehyun wasn't sure that had been what Taeyong had meant to say.

"Still drawing monsters?"

Taeyong laughed. "Yeah, still drawing everything, you know. Monsters, people, buildings, random stuff on my desk when I need a minute to clear my head. I still draw our dragon all the time, honestly. But she doesn't have much of a life anymore, you know. I keep drawing the same things over again without you--without you imagining stories for her." Taeyong cleared his throat.

The bartender appeared at that moment and asked if they wanted another drink and they both said yes. Jaehyun's cheeks felt sort of warm and he supposed the beer was hitting his bloodstream. Their conversation moved on easily now. Taeyong told Jaehyun about his years in business school and then moving here a year ago to prepare to take over this office, a promotion which had recently become official. They talked about their friends, places they'd traveled, how their parents were doing. They ordered another round of drinks and the day darkened beyond the windows and it got easier and easier for Jaehyun to recognize the boy who had been his best friend in the man sitting next to him now.

_~15 years old~_

Jaehyun was giddy. It was possible he had been feeling giddy for the past two weeks, ever since he'd finally asked out Eun Hye and she actually said yes. He had liked her almost since the beginning of the school year and now it was already spring, but he had spent the first few months barely having the courage to start a conversation let alone ask her out. But recently they'd been talking more, and then a few weeks ago one of her friends had, albeit in a cryptic way, hinted to him that Eun Hye liked him too, which made it rather easier to find the courage to finally act on his feelings.

Jaehyun had been hanging out with her almost every afternoon since then. They didn't have the same lunch period but they would go to cafes or get ice cream after school, or just hang out in a park somewhere now that the weather was getting nicer. This was ideal, in Jaehyun's opinion, because there were more opportunities for things like kissing, which Jaehyun had decided was a pretty nice way to spend an afternoon.

Unfortunately, today Jaehyun's giddiness waned when he checked his phone after school and saw a text from Eun Hye, _"Hey, I forgot I need to work on my history project with my group today so I can't hang out, sorry!!"_

Jaehyun sent back a text that wished her good luck and betrayed none of his disappointment, and stared around the sidewalk in front of the school. Kids were gathered in groups like usual, some starting to peel away and go wherever they had to go. Jaehyun saw a few of his friends and was about to walk over to them when he saw Taeyong walking away in the direction they both lived. Jaehyun hurried to catch up, realizing he hadn't walked home with Taeyong since the day Eun Hye had said she'd go out with him.

He remembered how excited he'd been that afternoon, and how, as soon as he and Taeyong had gotten past the crowds of students, he'd told Taeyong about everything that had happened with Eun Hye.

"So, you're dating now? She's your girlfriend?" Taeyong had asked.

"Yeah, I guess she is." Jaehyun hadn't exactly thought about things in those terms before. "My girlfriend. Wow." He'd wanted to go back to the school and find her and hang out with her right then.

"Well, that's great, Jaehyunnie," Taeyong had been smiling but, considering he'd been hearing Jaehyun agonize over this for months, the younger had been expecting more obvious excitement.

"What should I do now, hyung? What do people even do with their girlfriends?"

"Take her to eat? Buy her ice cream or something sweet, maybe? But I don't really know, Jae, I've never had a girlfriend," Taeyong had said, shrugging. Jaehyun had glanced over. This hadn't really occurred to him before, and if it had it had never struck him as strange. After all, before today, he'd never had a girlfriend himself either. But he tended to forget that Taeyong was two years older, and it crossed his mind that even though Taeyong was already 17, as far as Jaehyun could remember, he hadn't ever even talked about liking anyone.

Jaehyun hadn't known how to ask about this, and anyway his mind had already been drifting back to how he would ask Eun Hye if she wanted to get ice cream the following day. Their first date. He remembered how he'd smiled stupidly just thinking about it.

Now Jaehyun caught up with Taeyong as he turned the corner. "Hyung! Wait up!" Jaehyun threw his arm over Taeyong's shoulder and fell into step with him, still out of breath from running down the street. "How's it going, hyung? We haven't walked home in forever, huh?" Jaehyun laughed a little, not noticing the way Taeyong's shoulders tensed under his arm.

"Yeah, hey."

Jaehyun started rattling on about how much work he had for math class, how he'd been so confused by it before, how Eun Hye had helped him with it yesterday. Taeyong nodded and said, "Yeah, cool, great," at the right times but mostly just let Jaehyun talk. Jaehyun thought nothing of it; he was more talkative anyway, the type to talk his way through his thoughts while Taeyong usually finished thinking first.

They reached the corner before Jaehyun's house and Jaehyun made to cross the street, his arm still over Taeyong's shoulders. He was surprised when Taeyong pulled away and moved to walk towards his own house instead. Taeyong never went to his own house after school, they always walked together to Jaehyun's. Jaehyun raised his eyebrows. "Where are you going? Come over."

Taeyong turned and Jaehyun saw his face straight on for the first time. It looked strangely blank. "What, your girlfriend was busy?" There was an edge to his voice that Jaehyun didn't think he'd ever heard.

Jaehyun blinked. "Yeah, she had a project, why?"

Taeyong's face changed, the blankness slipped, something like surprise appearing there instead, his eyes wide and hurt. But Jaehyun couldn't understand why Taeyong would be so surprised by Eun Hye working on a project.

"Fuck you, Jaehyun." Taeyong turned and walked away.

Jaehyun stared at the older's back, shocked. He could see the tension in every line of Taeyong's shoulders, in his hands which were clenched into fists. He didn't know whether to go after Taeyong or not. He and Taeyong argued plenty, but more often than not it was about the direction one of their stories should take, and Jaehyun had never, ever seen the older look at him so angrily before. The way he'd spat out the curse almost felt worse than a physical blow.

But his shock did at least seem to lend clarity to the situation, and Jaehyun's gut twisted with guilt as he reconsidered how this all must have seemed to Taeyong. They had been inseparable for years, and then Jaehyun had suddenly and completely ignored him for weeks. For Jaehyun, those weeks had been consumed by his nerves and excitement about Eun Hye, and because in his mind his friendship with Taeyong was untouchable, unchangeable, he hadn't really thought that not spending time together might be a problem. He took it for granted that Taeyong was and always would be his best friend, and in his mind that was so obvious that he didn't consider that his actions could make it seem otherwise.

Jaehyun noticed how far down the street Taeyong had gotten. He started to run after him again, no longer excited like he had been a few minutes earlier. Instead something like panic rose in his chest.

"Hyung! Hyung, wait, Taeyong-hyung, hold on." Jaehyun finally reached the older and took hold of his arm, making him stop and turn around. His face was unguarded and Jaehyun could see clearly now how hurt he was, but he could also see something else, something like embarrassment, as though Taeyong wished he hadn't ever shown how upset he was. His cheeks were red and he didn't say anything, just stood there looking down the street, like he was ready to keep walking as soon as he'd endured whatever Jaehyun had to say.

"Hyung, uh, I guess I don't really know if this is why you're mad but... I know it's been a while that we haven't seen each other and that's my fault. I'm sorry, I've been a shitty friend, really." Taeyong didn't move except to press his lips together. Jaehyun could see the tension in the older's jaw and hoped this wasn't a bad sign. "I didn't mean to ignore you, I just.... I haven't ever been in a situation like this before. I really like Eun Hye, and I just wanted to spend time with her," Jaehyun swallowed, worried this wasn't the right thing to say, "but I should have realized. I shouldn't have just disappeared. I'm sorry, hyung, I get if you're mad...."

Taeyong still hadn't moved, but now it looked like he was struggling to think of how to respond. Jaehyun felt the older's bicep tighten under his fingers and looked down to see that Taeyong's hand had made a fist. Jaehyun wondered if maybe it would be better if Taeyong just gave up holding back and punched him. At least he'd know more clearly what was going on in the older's head.

Then Taeyong's body relaxed, all at once. He turned to look at Jaehyun. He didn't look angry anymore but Jaehyun wasn't sure if the way he looked now was better or worse. Jaehyun dropped his hand from the older's arm and Taeyong spoke, "I know, Jaehyun-ah. I know you're just excited. I shouldn't have gotten mad. I just...." Taeyong looked away again and then he turned back. "I don't have a lot of other friends, Jaehyun-ah. No, I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. I don't feel bad about it myself, seriously. I have the friends I care about, and that's fine. But it was just lone--it was boring without you around. And then today you seemed excited to hang out again but it was only because Eun Hye is busy."

"I know, I'm sorry, that's messed up," Jaehyun started talking very fast. He thought Taeyong might have had more to say but he was sure hearing it would make him feel even worse and he just wanted them to be okay again. "I promise I won't ignore you. I mean... I do still want to spend time with Eun Hye, I really like her hyung, but--"

Taeyong's eyes widened. "No, I'm not saying you shouldn't hang out with her. I wouldn't tell you that. I--" something complicated happened with Taeyong's face that Jaehyun couldn't read. "I'm glad you're together, that's not what the problem is. I just... still also exist. Or whatever."

Jaehyun laughed a little before he could catch himself. "You exist, 'or whatever'? Hyung, please." Taeyong blushed but he looked a little more relaxed. "I'll do better, okay? I don't want to never see you either, seriously." Jaehyun hesitated. "So, do you want to come over then?"

Taeyong glanced at the younger and didn't speak right away. "I don't think today, Jaehyun-ah."

"Oh, okay.... Well, maybe this weekend? Or maybe, um, maybe with Eun Hye too, sometime? Only if you want."

"Yeah, okay, this weekend," Taeyong smiled a little and then turned and walked the rest of the way to his house. Jaehyun eventually walked home too. He could still see the way Taeyong's face had looked when he'd cursed at him and it made him feel sick. Jaehyun had never considered the possibility that his actions could have such a strong effect on Taeyong. The older was always such a steady person in Jaehyun's mind, but he supposed this was just another thing he had taken for granted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay everyone >< i hope you liked this chapter! thanks so much for reading so far! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just in case this is confusing, in the flashback for this chapter jaehyun is still 15 but months have passed since the last flashback (it's the following school year).

_~25 years old~_

Jaehyun was very full. He and Taeyong had ended up ordering dinner and it had been too delicious to stop eating. Jaehyun supposed the high prices might have been worth something after all. Taeyong insisted on paying and Jaehyun felt a little guilty about how relieved he felt when he did.

"Ready? My driver can drop you off." Taeyong asked. This time when they got into the car Jaehyun noticed his uneasiness had left him. They talked easily during the drive, and when they lapsed into silence it didn't feel uncomfortable anymore. Jaehyun supposed the beer probably had something to do with that, but he knew that wasn't the only reason. Over the course of dinner Jaehyun had realized that, although he'd always known in a logical way that Taeyong had been his closest friend, in recent years he had forgotten what that closeness actually felt like. He had other good friends of course, especially the ones he'd made in college, but it wasn't the same, and he hadn't noticed how much he actually missed being with Taeyong.

Jaehyun glanced over at the older now. He was looking out the window and the street lights slid over his face, illuminating his sharp cheekbones and jaw. Jaehyun watched his throat move as he swallowed. Jaehyun wasn't oblivious, he knew why his friendship with Taeyong was different from the rest. Things had happened between them in the past that he hadn't shared with anyone else. And he knew those reasons were what had made them stop talking, in the end, even if he pretended they had naturally fallen out of touch. But it was nice to see Taeyong again and be able to enjoy his company without those memories taking over, the way Jaehyun had always feared they would.

As he watched the older's calm face in the dim light of the car, Jaehyun wondered if Taeyong still thought about those memories too. If he still had feelings for Jaehyun that went beyond friendship. Probably not, it had been so long. But it had been a long time for Jaehyun, too. He'd thought he'd been past all that, but now that Taeyong had appeared in his life again he wasn't so sure.

The car pulled up in front of Jaehyun's apartment. It was a small building in a neighborhood of narrow streets occupied mostly by families and older people. A far cry from the fashionable neighborhood they'd just eaten in, but Jaehyun didn't feel so self-conscious about it anymore. Jaehyun assured the driver he could open the door himself this time and climbed out, surprised when Taeyong got out of the car as well. They stood facing each other on the sidewalk. "Thanks for dinner, hyung."

Taeyong smiled, small but genuine. Familiar. "Yeah, no problem. Are you busy this weekend?" Jaehyun shook his head. "Good, we should get coffee or something, if you want? You can choose the place this time. Pay me back, you know." He laughed.

"Sure, yeah. Uh, is your number still the same?" Taeyong nodded. Jaehyun felt slightly guilty again as he thought about how much time they'd let go by without talking even though it would have been easy to call after all. He could remember scrolling to Taeyong's name in his phone, thinking about reaching out, then changing his mind. He cleared his throat. "Okay, well, I'll text you the place this weekend then. Good night, hyung." Jaehyun turned towards his building.

"Jaehyun?" Taeyong's voice was soft. Jaehyun turned back. He could feel his cheeks get hot even though he told himself there was no reason for it. Taeyong abruptly stepped forward and hugged Jaehyun. Jaehyun rocked back on his heels, caught off guard. Taeyong had been so composed, so comfortable from the first moment Jaehyun had seen him, easily showing how happy he was to meet an old friend again, not second-guessing himself the way Jaehyun had been. But there was something in the way his arms tightened around Jaehyun's back now that made him wonder if Taeyong had been more nervous than he'd let on.

Jaehyun lifted his arms and patted Taeyong on the back a little awkwardly. He didn't trust himself to fully relax into the embrace. When Taeyong spoke Jaehyun could feel the vibrations in his chest. "It's really nice to see you again, Jaehyun-ah." The older's voice was quiet but his mouth was close to Jaehyun's ear. Jaehyun could hear him perfectly and could also hear the way his breath came out like a sigh under the words.

"Yeah, it's nice to see you too," Jaehyun managed after a moment. Taeyong pulled away, patting Jaehyun's shoulders like he was straightening out the wrinkles in his clothes. His face was calm again, an easy smile there like before. Jaehyun thought he was probably reading into things too much. It made sense to hug an old friend, that was all it was.

Jaehyun smiled back and walked into his building. When he got into his apartment he crossed to the windows and peered down at the dim street below. The sidewalk was empty and Taeyong's car was already gone. He shook his head at himself for expecting anything else--wishing for anything else--and turned away from the window.

_~15 years old~_

"Jaehyun! Hey, Jaehyun-ah!" Jaehyun flinched. He was halfway home. All week he'd been managing to rush home early and make it home without seeing anybody, but today he couldn't pretend not to hear Taeyong behind him. He stopped walking but didn't turn around. His reluctance had nothing to do with Taeyong, and Jaehyun knew it was unfair to avoid him, but he wasn't sure he'd be able to fake being okay in front of Taeyong the way he'd been able to with everyone else.

It was the second week of the school year and the weather was still sticky and hot. The last few weeks of the summer Jaehyun had actually been looking forward to school, because it would mean getting to see Eun Hye again. He had spent most of the summer with her, and with Taeyong and his other friends. It was one of the best summers he could remember. After the initial awkwardness of figuring out how to date someone for the first time last spring, it had been surprisingly easy to be with Eun Hye. She already knew most of Jaehyun's friends from their year, and she ended up getting along well with Taeyong too, much to Jaehyun's relief. The summer had flown by in a haze of trips to the beach, endless new stories imagined with Taeyong, and finally getting to second base (or maybe a little further) with Eun Hye. But for the last three weeks of vacation Eun Hye went on a trip to the countryside with her family and Jaehyun had barely gotten to talk to her because her phone service was terrible. So he'd had something to look forward to when he thought about school starting again.

And Jaehyun had been thrilled to see her on the first day of school. They weren't in classes together but they met up after school. It was sort of awkward but Jaehyun figured it was just because, for the first time since they'd started dating, they'd been totally out of touch for more than a few days. But by the end of the week the awkwardness hadn't gone away. Jaehyun was past trying to convince himself it was just in his head and he had started to worry that it wasn't just the awkwardness of figuring out what to say to each other again after some time apart.

They were at the ice cream parlor they usually went to when Jaehyun finally asked, "What's wrong?"

Eun Hye stayed quiet. She looked uncomfortable and Jaehyun knew with sudden certainty that he didn't want to hear what she had to say. And sure enough, very quietly: "I think we should break up."

Jaehyun's stomach dropped. "Why?" Eun Hye shrugged, looking upset and anxious, like she wished the conversation would end so she could get out of there. But Jaehyun thought there had to be a reason, there should be a reason for something like this. He couldn't just let it go. "Why? Did I do something?"

Eun Hye looked up. Her eyes were miserable. "No, no you didn't. I just... I guess on my trip, being apart... I just stopped being so interested in staying together. I'm so sorry." She looked like she might have wanted to say more but she didn't.

Jaehyun swallowed and nodded. He wasn't sure what to say. He wondered if he should ask her to change her mind, try to convince her they should stay together, but he felt somehow mortified at the thought. He supposed if he had done something wrong he could have argued with her, tried to fix things. But just... losing interest wasn't something he was sure he had an answer for. Jaehyun wasn't used to his words failing him but they failed him now.

After a moment Eun Hye seemed to realize that neither of them was going to say anything else and she got up to leave. "Bye, Jaehyun. I'm really sorry. I hope we can maybe be friends again in a while." Jaehyun nodded vaguely and sat there in the ice cream parlor, his ice cream melted and forgotten, until they closed.

A week had passed since then. School had kicked into full swing by now and Jaehyun had mostly been able to stay busy enough to ignore everything. He had told his friends because they were used to hanging out with Eun Hye too and Jaehyun couldn't avoid it. But he managed to tell them at the end of lunch one day when he knew they wouldn't have time to talk about it too much. He thought he'd done pretty well at seeming unbothered, and anyway no one had asked him about it since then. But he hadn't seen Taeyong. They didn't usually run into each other during the day and Jaehyun had been trying his best not to see him on the way home.

However, today Taeyong's voice was too loud and close for Jaehyun to ignore. Jaehyun stood there and listened to his friend's footsteps hurry closer. "Hey, how's it going? Where have you been all week?"

Jaehyun started walking again and Taeyong fell into step beside him. "I don't know, I've been around," Jaehyun shrugged.

Taeyong laughed. "That means with Eun Hye right?"

Jaehyun didn't say anything. He almost wanted to say yes just to avoid the conversation. But another part of him wanted to answer truthfully and finally talk about it. He could feel Taeyong looking at him. Jaehyun realized he was pressing his lips together waiting for Taeyong to speak, to directly ask what was wrong so he could finally tell someone.

"Uh, Jaehyun?"

Close enough. "We broke up," Jaehyun said quickly.

"Oh... shit, sorry." Taeyong put his hand on Jaehyun's shoulder. It wasn't a lot but the action felt genuine. Jaehyun could feel the older's fingers squeezing his shoulder gently as they walked. It made him remember walking with Taeyong when they were little, how he would get so distracted by that toy robot or by his own imagination that Taeyong would steer him down the sidewalk with a hand on his shoulder. He could remember having to squint up at the older boy back then and he realized now that at some point he had gotten taller than Taeyong. He still thought of Taeyong as being much bigger and more grown up, and it made him feel funny to realize that the impression he had had of the older since he was 6 didn't quite match the reality anymore.

"Yeah, it's okay I guess." They walked the rest of the way to Jaehyun's house in silence. As they reached the corner where Taeyong would have turned to go to his own house, Jaehyun thought of the afternoon last spring when Taeyong had gotten so upset with him when he first started dating Eun Hye. It still made Jaehyun feel guilty every time he thought of it, even though after that he'd been able to balance everything better and they hadn't had any other fights.

Thinking about this made Jaehyun think about how perfect the summer had been before Eun Hye left for her vacation. Everything had been going so well, and he started wondering for the millionth time what had happened during those three weeks to change her mind about him. _Or maybe_ , a voice that had become increasingly persistent all week suggested, _she never liked you as much as you thought in the first place._ His eyes burned and he made a fuss of digging his keys out of his bag as they approached his front door.

A short while later he and Taeyong were both sitting on the floor in Jaehyun's bedroom. Jaehyun wanted to distract himself by diving back into their current story, which they had worked on constantly while Eun Hye had been on vacation, but Taeyong had to work on a college application essay. Jaehyun could tell he was stressed about it so he didn't push him to procrastinate like he usually would have, and tried to distract himself with his own homework instead.

This was now doubly hard because in addition to being sad about Eun Hye, Jaehyun couldn't ignore the fact that the essay Taeyong was working on would lead, sooner rather than later, to Taeyong actually getting into college. Which meant leaving. Of course Jaehyun knew they'd stay friends, but it wouldn't be the same as having the older live only a couple blocks away. Jaehyun had mostly avoided thinking about it over the summer but now the whole inevitable process was starting to happen right in front of his eyes. His math homework couldn't keep his mind off both Eun Hye breaking up with him and Taeyong leaving in less than a year.

"Are you looking at art schools?" Jaehyun finally asked.

Taeyong looked up, surprised. "Oh, no. I'm going for business."

"Why? I thought you always wanted to go for art. You could get in anywhere, hyung."

Taeyong laughed a little, looking uncomfortable. "I don't know about that. But, no, I'll go for business, and eventually work at my dad's company, you know. I guess take over someday, probably."

Jaehyun stared at him. "But you wanted to be an artist."

Taeyong gave Jaehyun a complicated look before replying. "I can still do art. But that's not realistic, Jaehyun-ah." Taeyong never treated Jaehyun like he was younger, but now Jaehyun felt like Taeyong thought he was silly and immature for not understanding this. His face felt hot.

"Are your parents forcing you?"

"No, of course not," Taeyong said quickly. "I just... I always knew I'd work for my dad someday. I want to. I'm their only kid. I don't know... I should make them proud." Taeyong looked slightly embarrassed and looked down as he mumbled the last part.

"Oh," said Jaehyun. He felt somehow even worse than before.

Taeyong looked up and seemed to be able to see this on Jaehyun's face, because he said, "It's not a bad thing, Jaehyun-ah, seriously. I'm excited to go to school and do that type of work, it's interesting too. I never thought I'd really be an artist."

Taeyong clearly thought this should be reassuring, so Jaehyun smiled and tried to refocus on his homework. But his mind was a mess. He felt bad about Eun Hye, and was exhausted from feeling bad about her, but at least he understood that feeling. Now he also felt bad about Taeyong and he couldn't quite figure out why, if it was just because it was their last year together and soon afternoons like this would end, or if it was because of Taeyong letting go of a dream he hadn't even let himself have in the first place because it would never cross his mind to put himself first. Jaehyun wondered how many times in their own friendship Taeyong had done the same thing without Jaehyun even noticing.

Jaehyun was so consumed by his thoughts that he didn't notice that he had started crying until his breath caught. He hadn't really cried at all about Eun Hye yet, but he shouldn't have been surprised it would happen eventually, especially now with everything else spinning through his head all at once.

"Jaehyun-ah, where's your charger?" Jaehyun kept his head down and squinted his eyes shut as he heard Taeyong shift around, probably looking at him, probably noticing what a mess he was. Sure enough, the older suddenly went still and said, "Oh."

Jaehyun kept his eyes shut and wasn't sure if it would be more embarrassing to reach up and wipe his tears or leave them sliding down his cheeks. His hands were clenched into fists at his side and he was holding his breath to try to stop crying. It helped at least not to be able to see Taeyong's expression.

"Oh," Taeyong said again. His voice sounded different this time. Jaehyun heard him move again and then flinched when the older's arms wrapped around him tightly. He let himself press his face into Taeyong's shoulder and the tears damped his shirt. He tried to keep his breathing steady but it was hard.

"This is because of Eun Hye, right." It didn't exactly sound like a question and Jaehyun didn't say anything because he didn't know how to explain all the other reasons. The one thing he did understand--that he didn't want Taeyong to ever leave--was too unreasonable to say out loud. Taeyong hugged him tighter and Jaehyun gave up and let himself cry. "It's okay, Jaehyunnie. I mean, I know it hurts now. But you'll feel better. You'll..." Taeyong cleared his throat and his voice sounded slightly strained. "You'll find someone else, someone better. Someone who stays." Jaehyun's brain was so tangled between different thoughts that he almost asked Taeyong why he couldn't stay himself, but he was crying too hard to speak, and then the moment passed and he remembered they were talking about Eun Hye.

Taeyong was still speaking, a soft a continuous sound as he rubbed Jaehyun's back. "This was just your first relationship, you're just 15, it'll be okay. Really, Jaehyun-ah, it'll feel better."

Jaehyun's head was starting to hurt but his tears were slowing. He shifted his face a little away from the wet fabric of Taeyong's shirt. "How do you know? You've never been broken up with." He found that it helped to pretend that Eun Hye was the only reason he was crying.

"I guess... I don't really know. But it's just high school. People don't...." Taeyong's hands stilled against Jaehyun's back. When he spoke again his voice was even quieter than before and sounded strange. "People don't stay in love with the people they love in high school."

Jaehyun pulled away, scrubbing his hands over his eyes. Taeyong's hands dropped uncertainly from his back, one resting on the younger's knee while he looked at him with a concerned expression. "Hyung, why haven't you ever dated anyone? You never liked anyone?"

Taeyong blushed and glanced away. Jaehyun's mind was quieting down now that he had a chance to focus on something else. "Um, I don't really know," Taeyong mumbled.

"You must have liked someone before though, right hyung?" Taeyong looked back at Jaehyun and stared at him with a strange expression. Jaehyun worried he had offended him, although he wasn't sure exactly how. "Or, I mean, maybe not. Not everyone's interested in that stuff, right?"

"That... stuff?"

"Uh, I mean not everyone likes people like that, you know. Are you just not interested? 'Cause you'd tell me if you liked someone right?"

Taeyong's cheeks flushed even more. "No. I mean, yes...." He looked flustered and pulled his hand away from Jaehyun's knee. "Yes, I'm interested, I just... um...." Taeyong turned his head away and didn't finish his sentence. He looked so uncomfortable now that Jaehyun decided he should stop pushing even though he didn't quite understand the older's reaction.

"Ugh, my head hurts, hyung. I hate crying."

Taeyong stood up very fast. "I'll get you some water, hold on." He hurried out of the room. Jaehyun's head really did hurt but at least it felt empty, of tears and of thoughts. Jaehyun pushed his homework off his lap and climbed onto his bed, curling up on his side and closing his eyes. He tried not to think about Eun Hye, and mostly succeeded. And he tried not to think about Taeyong going to college, which was a little harder because only a few moments before Taeyong had been holding him while he cried and Jaehyun couldn't imagine crying like that with anyone else.

But he was exhausted enough that thinking too hard about anything wasn't really an option and he drifted off to sleep almost as soon as his eyes closed. When he woke up later the room was dark and he couldn't tell how much time had passed. It could have been time for dinner or it could have been the middle of the night. "Hyung?" There was no answer. Jaehyun realized someone had pulled the covers over him and he wondered if it was his mom until he saw the glass of water Taeyong had gone to get earlier sitting by his bed. There was a post-it stuck to it with their dragon drawn on it. Jaehyun smiled a little and let himself fall back asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grown up Jaehyun tries to get back to his writing.
> 
> Not-grown up Jaehyun & Taeyong spend their last summer together before Taeyong leaves for college and their relationship develops in an unexpected (or maybe expected...) way.

_~25 years old~_

The next day at work Jaehyun's boss showed up at his desk with a cup of coffee for him almost as soon as he arrived. Jaehyun, who was used to being sent to fetch coffee for everyone himself, was surprised, to say the least. He was less surprised when his boss started asking how drinks with Taeyong had gone--except that he referred to him as "Mr. Lee" and Jaehyun almost asked who he was talking about before he remembered Taeyong was important enough to be referred to that way now. Jaehyun tried to make it sound like they'd talked about the magazine more than they had, but he realized he'd barely remembered to do so at all.

When his boss finally left him alone, he texted Taeyong: _Morning, forgot to mention that the real reason my boss sent me to drinks with you was to coerce you into giving us your money... did it work?_

Taeyong's reply came right away: _haha, should have known you were always only interested in my money ;) pick a good place for coffee this weekend and we'll see._

Jaehyun stared at his screen for a moment, wondering if Taeyong was actually flirting with him or if it was just coming across that way over text. He remembered Taeyong hugging him goodbye the night before and hoped no one would notice him blushing at his phone.

Despite this distraction, Jaehyun found that he was surprisingly focused on his work after that. He had woken up in a good mood, feeling almost hyper, and this energy carried him through not only that day but the rest of the week. He still worked late every day but he didn't have to work quite as late as usual because he was getting things done so fast. And most surprising of all, Jaehyun's energy didn't completely disappear when he left work.

Usually when Jaehyun got home, he would eat take-out, watch some TV, and then shower and go to bed early because he just couldn't keep his eyes open anymore. But for the next few evenings the almost wired feeling that carried Jaehyun through his work lingered when he got home and he found that for the first time in months he felt like writing again.

The first night after seeing Taeyong he went through the shelf in his room filled with the stories he'd written as a kid. He didn't have all of their stories, because Taeyong had some too--if he'd kept them, anyway--but he'd ended up with most of them. The earliest ones were handwritten and it made him smile to see what his handwriting had looked like when he was a kid. The ones they wrote when they got older were typed out and printed, stapled neatly with Taeyong's illustrations and kept in folders. Jaehyun had meant to quickly skim through them but he got distracted and ended up sitting on the floor of his room for over an hour looking through their work.

He was impressed that he remembered each story clearly, at least now that he saw them again. And not only that, he had vivid memories of writing them, of specific experiences he and Taeyong had had together as they worked, arguments or moments of inspiration that had changed the direction of the plot or the personality of the characters. He had stopped being surprised by how strongly everything was coming back after seeing Taeyong and had started to be more surprised that he'd ever succeeded at putting these thoughts--and feelings--out of his mind at all.

Eventually Jaehyun started looking through the unfinished stories he had on his computer. A lot of the work he'd saved was from when he was from grad school or undergrad, but then he came across a story that he'd been working on during his last year of high school and the summer before he went to college. He must have stopped working on it once he'd gotten to school. Jaehyun started to read the unfinished story and, just like with the others, memories started to come back to him as he did.

He realized that it must have been the last story that he and Taeyong had come up with together, although he'd ended up writing it alone because Taeyong's parents had moved away by that time so Taeyong hadn't come back for summer vacation. But he could remember thinking of the idea together, the spring before he graduated high school, the only time Taeyong did come to visit after his parents moved. He could remember how they had fallen back so easily into their old patterns of thinking and arguing and laughing their way through the new characters and plot. He could also remember other things interrupting their brainstorming, lips and hands and warm skin. He could remember Taeyong's smile.

Jaehyun was struck very suddenly by the thought that Taeyong's visit that spring must have been the last time they'd seen each other in person before yesterday. They had still talked afterwards, for a few months anyway. But as time passed and it got harder to talk to each other it also got harder for Jaehyun to think about that spring so he'd tried his best not to, and apparently he'd succeeded. Just the day before he hadn't been able to recall the last time they'd seen each other, but now he couldn't believe he'd ever been able to forget.

As Jaehyun read through the story he could tell how present Taeyong had still been in his mind back then. He could remember calling the older over the summer when he got stuck with the plot, and Taeyong texting him photos of his sketches of the characters. Jaehyun wished he'd been a little more patient, better at adjusting to Taeyong's physical absence, better at accepting this diminished level of communication instead of letting his frustration grow until he stopped writing the story and later stopped talking to Taeyong entirely. He'd been so stupid. Maybe it had made sense back then to feel sad that they couldn't be together the way he wanted, but he should have made more of an effort to at least stay friends. He shouldn't have thrown away the years they had behind them just because it hurt too much to be apart and started to feel better to lose himself in other people, people he could actually touch. His memories were so vivid he could actually feel the old ache of missing Taeyong grow in his chest.

But now Taeyong had appeared in Jaehyun's life again, or Jaehyun had appeared in his--the older had lived in this city longer after all. The ache in his chest eased and was replaced by the incredulity he'd been experiencing since yesterday. He supposed if Taeyong hadn't shown up at his office yesterday, he would have been fine going through the rest of his life never seeing him again, just thinking of him from time to time but avoiding the memories that hurt. But now he couldn't imagine how he'd ever convinced himself that would have really been okay. He didn't have to convince himself anymore, of course; he would see Taeyong at the end of the week.

A surge of excitement ran through Jaehyun again. It felt almost childlike. He settled himself at his desk and began to scribble notes about the old unfinished story, imagining what the characters would do next, trying to pick up where he'd left off.

_~16 years old~_

The day was stiflingly hot. The summer had already broken records for the highest temperatures and the most rainfall. All week it had felt like it was on the brink of another storm but the rain had held off and the heat had persisted until it became almost a physical weight.

Jaehyun and Taeyong had spent the summer much the way they'd spent the previous summers, except they often couldn't go to the beach because it was either pouring or too hot to even imagine being outside in the sun. On those days they'd been finding refuge in the public library, which had been recently renovated and was blessedly air conditioned. Taeyong had also been staying over at Jaehyun's house more frequently than usual because his parents had been traveling a lot, mostly for work, and Taeyong hadn't wanted to go with them and also didn't like staying home alone. This meant they'd been writing and drawing more than ever.

Jaehyun knew that another reason he was so absorbed in their stories was because he trying to avoid thinking about the fact that this was their last summer together before Taeyong went away to college. Of course the older had gotten into all the schools he'd applied to, and he would be going to the best one, which was far away. Jaehyun was of course happy for him, but he desperately wished for the first time that they were the same age. He knew he wouldn't have been able to afford to go to the same school as Taeyong, if he even got accepted, but he thought separating because they both were moving away would have felt better than being left behind. Every time he thought about having two more years in the same town, at the same school, with everything the same except Taeyong being gone, it made him feel slightly panicky.

So instead of thinking about it, Jaehyun spent as much time as possible with Taeyong and lost himself in the stories they imagined together. His dreams had been strange and feverish all summer, partly because he wasn't able to sleep well in the heat, and partly because their fantastical stories consumed so much of his brain power when he was awake that they wove their way into his dreams when he slept. Taeyong was usually in his dreams too, and the summer had passed in a weird haze where Jaehyun's imagination--and his stress--influenced his dreams, and then his dreams inspired the stories he wrote when he woke up.

And now the time had really come: Taeyong was leaving tomorrow morning. He was all packed and had been for days. Jaehyun had gone to his house a few times to help but Taeyong was particular about his things and Jaehyun was relieved to be allowed to sit in a corner and disappear into his writing instead. Today Taeyong had nothing left to do to prepare, though. They had one last story to finish so they'd spent the day in the library like usual. It had crossed Jaehyun's mind in the morning that maybe they should do something more significant for their last day, but it was easy and comfortable to lose themselves in their normal routine. Jaehyun still had a few more weeks of summer vacation himself but he didn't want to think about spending it any way other than this.

They worked right up until the library closed in the evening but managed to finish the story in time. When they finally emerged from the building it wasn't quite dark yet, but clouds had started to gather. The air was still hot and already felt wet even though it hadn't started to rain. Thunder rumbled lowly in the distance but it had been doing that for days without any storm materializing to give relief from the heat.

They wandered back towards their houses. When they reached Taeyong's street Jaehyun asked, "Wanna go to the river?" He didn't want to say goodbye already.

Taeyong looked over. "Sure." He glanced down the street at his house. "Can I keep this story?"

"What? Yeah, of course." Jaehyun had most of the stories they'd finished, since they mostly worked on them at his house, but he liked the idea of Taeyong wanting to keep this one.

"Okay, let me drop it off inside first then. I'm pretty sure it's going to rain."

"It's not going to rain, hyung, it's been like this all week."

Taeyong rolled his eyes. "Well, we're already here, and anyway I think my parents wanted to see you."

So they went into Taeyong's house. Jaehyun made his way through polite small talk with Taeyong's parents while the older dropped his stuff off in his room. Jaehyun had spent plenty of time in Taeyong's house and liked his parents, but he never quite felt as comfortable there as he did when they were at his own house.

Jaehyun could hear Taeyong's steps on the stairs coming back down. Before he appeared his mother touched Jaehyun's arm and smiled at him. "I've told your mother this before, but I don't think I've told you: I'm really glad Taeyong has a friend like you. You've helped him a lot. I know he's going to miss you, Jaehyun-ah."

Jaehyun felt self-conscious. He couldn't think of any ways he had helped the older. Taeyong was already good at everything and rarely needed help. But Jaehyun nodded a little. "Thank you, Mrs. Lee, I... I'm going to miss him too." He hadn't actually said that out loud before and hearing the words made Taeyong's departure feel painfully real.

The older walked into the front entryway where his parents and Jaehyun were standing. Jaehyun turned away and blinked quickly and tried to ignore the way Taeyong's mother patted his arm sympathetically because he didn't want to totally lose it. "Be safe boys, don't get home too late. We're leaving early tomorrow, remember, Taeyong-ah."

"I know, I'll be back soon. Good night," Taeyong said, and they left the house and started walking towards the river. It was dusk, and the soft blue of the darkening sky peeked through the clouds in some places. Taeyong seemed to notice that Jaehyun was quieter than usual so he started talking, about random silly things, as they walked, until Jaehyun finally got distracted from his feelings and joined the conversation.

There were still people on the path along the river, walking or jogging or cycling, but it was quieter than during the day. They wandered down the path for a ways, and then turned around and wandered back, and then found a bench and sat on it, lost in the usual running consciousness of their easy conversations. Jaehyun couldn't have recounted all the topics they they spoke about, or how their brains connected one thing to the next, but this was the way it always was with them. It never felt difficult to think of the next thing to say, or to just sit and get lost in their own thoughts side by side.

Something wet landed on Jaehyun's knee. He squinted upwards. "Was that a raindrop? Did you feel anything hyung?" Another drop hit his cheek, and then a few more. He squinted and ducked his head. "Shit."

Taeyong was already standing. "I told you it was going to rain!" But he was laughing, his voice excited.

As if on cue, the skies opened and the rain poured down. Taeyong started running, still laughing and shrieking as the water hit them. They were instantly drenched, the drops sliding into their eyes and mouths. Jaehyun ran after the older and caught up easily. It was hard not to laugh himself; the sound of Taeyong's laugh had always been infectious. The rain was already clearing out the oppressive heat of the week, washing over their sweaty skin. It was a relief. Jaehyun saw an awning up ahead over a small closed up kiosk. "Come on!" He put a hand on Taeyong's back and pushed him to run faster.

They drew near the kiosk. Jaehyun felt Taeyong stumble next to him as the ground underfoot changed from wet grass to concrete. He caught the older and laughed again and their momentum almost made Jaehyun throw the older under the awning ahead of him to keep them both from falling. He pressed into the small space too, bracing his hands on the kiosk behind Taeyong, trying to get away from the water pouring off the covering onto his back. He squinted behind him. The sheet of rain obscured everything beyond the awning.

When he looked back Taeyong had taken his glasses off and was trying, and failing, to dry them on his soaked t-shirt. The older had ended up caged in against the kiosk's wall by Jaehyun's body. Jaehyun didn't think anything of it until Taeyong gave up on his glasses, stuck them in his pocket, and looked up. Their faces were very close and he wondered vaguely why he didn't turn his head and look away. But he couldn't stop thinking that soon Taeyong would be very far away, and now all he wanted was to keep him close for a little longer.

"I wish you weren't leaving, hyung." Jaehyun's voice was very quiet, but they were close enough that he knew the older could still hear him despite the pounding of the rain.

When Taeyong spoke his voice was even softer, barely a whisper, pleading. "Kiss me."

And Jaehyun did. He didn't think about, he just ducked his head and pressed their lips together. Taeyong's mouth was very warm and tasted like rain. Jaehyun kissed him harder, reaching up to hold his neck, gripping the older's arm with his other hand. He wanted desperately to keep him here, that was all he could think about, although it was becoming increasingly difficult to think at all. Taeyong wrapped his arms around Jaehyun's back. The younger's rain-soaked clothes had been starting to chill his skin but he could feel heat spread through his body now. He had no idea how long they stayed there, pressed together with the rain drowning out the rest of the world.

Eventually Jaehyun became aware that the sound of the rain had quieted. His lips were on Taeyong's neck, his hands on the older's slim waist, and his brain suddenly noticed that instead of the rain all he could hear was Taeyong's breath coming out in small pants. All the thoughts he'd been trying to ignore about Taeyong leaving rushed back and his mouth stilled against the older's wet skin. He shifted and pressed his face into his shoulder instead. Taeyong didn't say anything, didn't ask why he'd stopped, but his arms tightened around Jaehyun's back, one hand running gently over his hair.

Jaehyun didn't want to move for a long time. This was also partly because he was hard and didn't really want Taeyong to notice. He kept some space between their bodies and let Taeyong hold him and tried to relax and quiet his thoughts.

"Jaehyun-ah," Taeyong's voice was a whisper. "We should go home, your mom will worry. Jaehyun nodded a little into Taeyong's shoulder, not trusting his voice yet. He finally pulled away and turned to look out at the river, which he could see now that the rain had stopped. He couldn't quite look at Taeyong's face and he wasn't sure if it was because he felt awkward about what had happened or because he felt sad that he didn't know when they'd be able to do it again.

He felt the older take his hand and lead him out from under the awning. They walked slowly and didn't talk. Now that Taeyong wasn't facing him Jaehyun kept stealing glances at his profile. He had seen this face almost every day since he was 6 but he didn't think he'd ever really studied it so closely. Jaehyun could see the scar near the older's eye when they went under the streetlights. His wet clothes felt cold again but Taeyong's hand was very warm in his.

All too soon they reached Jaehyun's house. "Can you stay over, hyung?" Jaehyun felt shy asking now even though Taeyong had stayed over at his house countless times before. He didn't even want to do anything other than sleep and have Taeyong close to him for a while longer. It shouldn't have made him feel shy but things felt different now. 

"I can't, we're leaving really early in the morning. I know my mom's already stressed about it, I don't want to run late and freak her out." Taeyong laughed a little but it was quiet and sounded a little sad. They stood there for a moment more and then Taeyong spoke again. "I'm really going to miss you, Jaehyun-ah."

Jaehyun nodded. "Me too, hyung." He hugged the older very hard, making Taeyong squeak a little and laugh again, but then he hugged him back.

Taeyong finally pulled away first. He reached up and touched Jaehyun's cheek softly. "I know it won't be quite the same but you know we'll still be friends, we'll still be... close. We can still talk all the time. Don't worry so much, okay?"

Jaehyun nodded. "I know, hyung. Don't worry yourself, I'll be fine." He smiled. Taeyong's hand was still on his cheek and then the older kissed him gently, a little uncertainly, like he wasn't sure it would be okay to do again, like maybe it had just been some sort of fluke. Jaehyun managed to smile again when Taeyong pulled away. He hoped it looked reassuring. He could tell from the way Taeyong shifted his weight that he was about to walk away and without thinking he said, "I love you." He was pretty sure he would have said it even if they hadn't ever kissed. It had been true for years, after all, although tonight made him reconsider what exactly the words might mean.

A complicated emotion filled Taeyong's eyes. "I love you, too, Jaehyun-ah." Taeyong cleared his throat and smiled although it looked strained now. "I'll call you when I get all moved in and stuff."

"Okay, yeah. Goodnight, hyung. Good luck, you know, with the drive and school and everything. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Goodnight." Taeyong finally turned and walked away down the street. Jaehyun watched him. Before the older went around the corner he turned around and waved and Jaehyun waved back. And then the older walked out of sight and Jaehyun went inside, not even bothering to try to understand anymore the flurry of emotions in his chest.


	7. Chapter 7

_~25 years old~_

Finally it was Saturday. The rest of the week had passed in a blur of work during the day and writing at night. It had been a long time since Jaehyun had written fantasy, even though for most of his life that had been all he'd written. It felt good to get back to it, to write something without putting any pressure on himself to get a good grade or make it seem weighty and meaningful to anyone else. He simply enjoyed it.

He texted Taeyong about the story, too, to tell him he'd found it--Jaehyun didn't mention it was probably their only unfinished story, the last one they'd imagined together--and was trying to finish it. He was expecting Taeyong to be mildly interested, maybe amused to think back on their childhood pastime. But Taeyong bombarded him with endless questions about the plot and the characters, and then started sending pictures of sketches. Jaehyun was surprised but pleased to see that Taeyong was just as excited about the story as he was. And, as their stories had always done, it gave them something to anchor their friendship on again, something to talk about easily, a way back to their past.

As Saturday drew nearer they also talked about their plans to get coffee together. Jaehyun had tried looking up some cafes around the city but he started overthinking it so much he couldn't choose one. In the end he settled on a cafe in his neighborhood where he knew the family that owned it. He knew it wasn't nearly as fancy as the bar Taeyong had brought him to, but it really did have the best coffee and delicious homemade pastries that he thought the older would love. Unless he'd grown out of his sweet tooth. Jaehyun tried not to think about that.

Jaehyun woke up earlier than his alarm on Saturday. They weren't meeting until the afternoon but he couldn't fall back asleep. Even though by the end of dinner the other day, he had felt a lot more comfortable with Taeyong, he still felt nervous at the thought of meeting him again. This probably had something to do with how much time he'd spent over the past few days reminiscing. How much time he'd spent thinking about Taeyong. By the time he finally left his apartment to go to the cafe his stomach felt so full of butterflies he wasn't sure he'd be able to eat.

He got to the cafe first, greeted the woman--one of the owners--who was behind the counter, and assured her he'd order when his friend arrived. He had finished writing their story the night before and had brought a printed copy. He hadn't told Taeyong he'd finished it yet and he was excited to show it to him. Jaehyun was skimming back through the pages, smiling a little at how it had turned out, when he heard Taeyong call his name.

Jaehyun looked up and felt something tighten weirdly in his chest. The Taeyong that had shown up for the meeting at the magazine a few days ago was gone, and the Taeyong standing in front of him now felt much more familiar. He was wearing glasses again, for one thing. They looked a lot more stylish than the ones Jaehyun remembered him having the last time they'd seen each other, but still. His hair was unstyled and fell softly over his forehead. He was wearing a sweater that was slightly too large and jeans. He looked like himself.

"Hyung, hi," Jaehyun managed to say, standing up. "You found the place okay, then?"

Taeyong laughed. "Yeah, clearly. I'm on time right?"

"Yeah, of course. Um, sorry it's not... as nice as the restaurant the other day, but the coffee is really good. And the pastries, too. I thought you'd like them...."

Taeyong rolled his eyes. "Jaehyun-ah, why are you saying sorry, this is nice. What's your favorite thing?"

"Oh," Jaehyun glanced at the counter. "I usually just get coffee honestly. I think they have different pastries every day, you can see at the counter."

Once they'd gotten their coffee and food and were settled back at the table again, Jaehyun couldn't wait any longer to show the story. "I finished the story, hyung, if you want to see."

Taeyong's fingers were already covered in sugar--he still very much had a sweet tooth--but he gestured for Jaehyun to show him the papers anyway. Jaehyun talked through the ending of the story, the parts that Taeyong hadn't already heard about. Taeyong looked just as excited about it as Jaehyun felt. "You should have told me, I would have brought my drawings. I guess there are a few more I should do now to go along with the last few scenes."

"Yeah, I wanted it to be a surprise I guess." Jaehyun laughed a little at how silly this sounded.

"When did we write this? I couldn't really remember when you told me about it. I have some of the stories we finished, like the one we got done right before I went to college. I thought that was our last one?"

"Oh... no, it wasn't." Jaehyun cleared his throat. "We didn't exactly write this one together because you were at school, and then interning at your dad's company over the summer. But we thought of it together before I went to college." Taeyong looked at Jaehyun blankly. Jaehyun spoke quickly. "I think we thought of it that spring you came to visit, but then I did the writing myself after you left."

Taeyong leaned back in his chair, his cheeks pink. "Oh, right." Jaehyun looked down and pretended to be looking through the story again. He didn't want to watch Taeyong remember that spring. He wasn't sure what he'd see in the older's eyes as he did.

Jaehyun kept talking instead. "Yeah, I didn't remember it either until I found it the other day. I'd forgotten a lot of things... a lot of our stories, I mean. But they came back once I started reading them again."

Taeyong made a humming sound and Jaehyun risked a glance up. The older was looking at the pages of the story on the table in front of him, but his eyes didn't seem to be focused on them. But then he blinked and his expression was clear when he looked up again.

"Yeah, I guess it does sort of come back." Jaehyun peered at the older's face to try to guage the meaning behind his words, but Taeyong just gave an easy smile that looked genuine and didn't falter when he asked, "Why'd you stop writing it?"

"Oh, you know, I got to college, got too busy, you know."

Taeyong laughed a little. "Yeah, and didn't you start dating that guy? What was his name again?"

Jaehyun had just taken a sip of coffee and he almost choked. Taeyong didn't seem to notice. He still looked calm and Jaehyun realized he felt almost disappointed by his tranquility. Maybe Taeyong's thoughts hadn't gone in the same direction as Jaehyun's after all, if he could ask this without seeming to care in the slightest. "Oh, uh, Doyoung, yeah," Jaehyun forced a smile.

"Yeah. Are you guys still together?" Taeyong still looked like he was just making small talk. Jaehyun fought the urge to scowl at him.

"No, we broke up before we graduated. He went abroad for his Master's and I think he stayed there and is a professor now? But, uh, we didn't stay in touch."

"Oh, that's too bad." Taeyong sounded genuinely sympathetic. Jaehyun wished he wouldn't.

"Uh, yeah, I guess. What about you?"

"What about me?"

"I mean... uh." Jaehyun wished he could seem as cool as Taeyong did. But he couldn't help but wonder if all the things he'd been experiencing since running into Taeyong again, all the feelings that had been coming back, might not be shared by the older.

Jaehyun took too long to figure out how to rephrase his question and Taeyong spoke again instead. "I'm not seeing anyone, if that's what you're asking." There was an air of finality to his voice. Jaehyun didn't know how to respond--saying "That's great!" felt a bit obvious--and then Taeyong started to talk of other things as though he hadn't been the one to steer their conversation in this direction in the first place.

It took a few moments for Jaehyun to shake off the slightly unnerving way Taeyong had suddenly brought up his ex. Maybe the older was just making conversation, and he supposed it did make sense for Taeyong to think of it since they were reminiscing about that time anyway. But Jaehyun wished Taeyong wasn't just casually asking. He wished the older really wanted to know if he was single.

But Jaehyun let the conversation move on and eventually his tension disipated and it became easy to talk again. Jaehyun was able to pretend no weird moment had happened at all and when they realized it had gotten late he knew he didn't want to separate and go home already. He was finding that just having his old friend back, even if there wasn't anything more to it, was a relief. He felt like himself when they were together in a way he didn't think he really had since he'd moved to this new city and started his new job. He didn't have to try at all with Taeyong. He'd almost forgotten what that easy confidence felt like after months second guessing his every move with higher-ups at the magazine.

"It's kind of late, do you want to get dinner, hyung?" Taeyong grinned and nodded so Jaehyun gathered up the pages of his story while Taeyong brought their plates and coffee cups to the counter. They walked outside together into the darkening evening.

_~18 years old~_

"Isn't it kind of weird for me to be going to this high school party? Everyone else I know graduated already...."

Jaehyun glanced over at Taeyong walking beside him. "It's fine, hyung. And what are you even talking about, you literally know all my friends. We used to hang out with them all the time."

Taeyong laughed a little sheepishly. "Oh, yeah, I guess you're right. I just feel old."

Jaehyun rolled his eyes. "You've always been old hyung. I swear you were born an old man. I don't think you being in college now has anything to do with it. Ow!" He rubbed his shoulder where Taeyong had punched him.

The streets were dark and quiet and they lapsed into silence as they walked. Jaehyun felt like he'd just gotten used to having Taeyong around again and tomorrow the older was leaving to go back to school. It was the last night of Jaehyun's spring break, and his friend, whose parents were conveviently out of town for the weekend, was throwing a party to celebrate. Or mourn, as the case may be.

Jaehyun thought back to a few weeks ago when Taeyong first texted him asking if he could come visit for part of his spring break, which overlapped with Jaehyun's high school break. Jaehyun was surprised but immediately excited. It had somehow been nearly two years since they'd last seen each other. Jaehyun could still remember the first few months after Taeyong had left for college, after they had kissed, and how much he'd missed him. He remembered looking online for Taeyong's university schedule to see when his first break would be, and counting down the days until he'd be coming home to visit.

But before that happened, Taeyong's parents moved away. Now that they didn't have a kid tying them to the town they had decided to move the company's headquarters to a bigger city where it would be easier to foster international connections. Suddenly when Taeyong went "home" on his breaks, he no longer came back to the town he'd grown up in. The town where Jaehyun was waiting for him.

After that Jaehyun made a conscious effort to go back to thinking of Taeyong as just his friend. This didn't help all that much, if he was honest, because most of what he missed about Taeyong in the first place was just the time they'd always spent together as friends, the stories they'd created, the casual walks home. The ease of it all. But it was still easier just to miss those things than to also be driven slightly crazy by the memory of kissing him.

And over time he didn't have to try so hard to just think of Taeyong as his friend. They still talked from time to time, and whenever they did they immediately fell back into their effortless conversations. Jaehyun knew that even if weeks passed between talking, Taeyong was still his best friend and he couldn't imagine that ever changing. This year, they'd talked even less because Jaehyun had gotten busy with his own college applications. And also maybe because so much time had passed by now that Taeyong had stopped being the first person Jaehyun wanted to tell when something happened to him. But when Taeyong asked to come visit Jaehyun was thrilled.

When he asked his mom if it was okay she was happy too. "Oh, of course! Ah, it'll be so nice to see him again. I've missed having him around, you know."

"Yeah, me too."

Jaehyun felt like he'd been in a good mood ever since. When Taeyong actually arrived the younger had to admit it felt weirder than he'd expected. Taeyong looked different and he wasn't sure if that was because his looks had actually changed or if Jaehyun's memory, and the few photos Taeyong had posted since he went to college, just hadn't done him justice. But Jaehyun's mom was so unashamedly excited to see the older boy again and fussed over him so much that any awkwardness immediately faded.

The week since had been surprisingly perfect. Jaehyun couldn't deny that his stomach had sort of flipped over the first night when he realized they'd be sharing his bed. They'd slept together in his bed tons of times, but of course this time he couldn't stop remembering that the last time they'd seen each other they'd kissed. A lot. But the first night Taeyong fell asleep almost right away after traveling all day, and then every night after that it was surprisingly easy to talk to each other in the dark, about everything and nothing, the way they'd always done as kids. If there was a part of him that felt slightly disappointed about this, Jaehyun was able to ignore it.

He and Taeyong had spent the whole week together. Jaehyun felt slightly guilty about not seeing his other friends, but he figured he saw them all the time and anyway, none of them seemed to question it or mind when he said he was busy. But he was excited about the party they were heading to now. They were going to the house early to help set up before other people arrived. As soon as they arrived it became clear that this mostly meant getting a head start on drinking. Full plastic cups were shoved at both of them as soon as they went through the door. They did help cover some of the furniture and bring some breakable things to get locked away upstairs. But mostly they drank.

The house filled up gradually as the night wore on. Jaehyun was in a very good mood, almost giddy, and this drowned out his disappointment about Taeyong leaving the next day. It had been a perfect week, at least he had that. At least it was clear that their friendship could survive even such a long time apart.

It got late. Jaehyun could feel that the energy of the party had peaked some time ago and now people were losing steam, dropping onto chairs and couches or the floor. Jaehyun could see more than one person who had fallen asleep. He was sitting on a couch with Taeyong next to him. At the start of the party the older had been quiet, almost shy. It had occurred to Jaehyun that they'd never gone to a party together, or drank together at all. He wondered if Taeyong had partied in high school. Jaehyun hadn't back then himself, so he supposed he wouldn't know, but he found it sort of hard to imagine. Taeyong had mostly kept to himself in school, from what Jaehyun could remember, and they mostly hung out with the younger's friends if they hung out with other people at all.

Now Taeyong was certainly drunk and the shyness had worn off. He was leaning against Jaehyun's shoulder while he chatted happily with the kids around them, and he seemed to keep finding things funnier than they actually were. Jaehyun wasn't following the conversation but he found it amusing himself whenever Taeyong started giggling, although this was frequently accompanied by the older slapping Jaehyun's thigh and if he was honest it was starting to hurt. The next time Taeyong did it he grabbed the older's hand and steered it towards his own lap, but when he made to pull away Taeyong didn't let go. So Jaehyun sat there with his hand clasped in the older's and tried not to read too much into it. Taeyong didn't seem to be paying any mind, anyway, as he began to fiddle absently with Jaehyun's fingers the way one might distractedly fold up a scrap of paper.

After a while the conversation lulled and Jaehyun decided they should probably leave. He helped Taeyong up, who giggled again and then held on to Jaehyun's arm as they said their goodbyes and headed out into the cool spring night. It was a bit of a walk back to Jaehyun's house. It normally wasn't too long, but Taeyong didn't seem terribly motivated to walk quickly. "Come on, hyung," Jaehyun said, a little annoyed, starting to feel tired and wishing he was already home in his bed. He pulled Taeyong's arm which didn't accomplish much other than making the older giggle some more. "Oh my god, hyung, I swear you didn't even drink that much." Finally his desire to get home outweighed his patience so he turned around and made Taeyong jump on his back. Taeyong wasn't as light as he looked but they still made considerably faster progress than they had before.

Jaehyun finally put him down when they reached his front door. "Okay, hyung, we have to be quiet okay? My mom's asleep. I hope. So please stay quiet."

"Okay," Taeyong whispered, his eyes wide and very sincere. There was something sort of cute about it and Jaehyun tried not to smile as he turned to unlock the door.

Taeyong was actually surprisingly successful at staying quiet and they made it into Jaehyun's bedroom without incident. Jaehyun left the lights off and was quietly closing the door, just about to let out the breath he'd been holding, when there was a loud thud. "Shit, hyung," he hissed. Taeyong had stumbled into the bookshelf. Jaehyun automatically grabbed him and pulled him away so he didn't do more damage, and then he held him still while he craned his head away to listen for any sounds coming from beyond the bedroom door that might indicate his mom had heard.

Jaehyun was squinting at the door, holding Taeyong's shoulders but facing the opposite direction, when he suddenly felt something warm and wet press into his neck and he jumped. "Hyung, what--?" Taeyong didn't say anything, he just pressed closer and kissed Jaehyun's neck again, placing his hands on the younger's waist. Jaehyun's stomach dropped but he pulled his hands away from the older and stepped backwards quickly. Taeyong didn't let go of his waist and Jaehyun could see him frown slightly as he pushed closer again and nosed at the younger's neck. "Hyung, you're drunk. We're drunk. What are you doing?"

"I'm not that drunk, I wanted to do this all week. You don't like it?" Taeyong pushed his hand up Jaehyun's shirt and Jaehyun wasn't trying to step backwards this time but the touch was so sudden it made him stumble. He grabbed Taeyong's shoulders again, hard, thinking he should push him away. But he didn't. He didn't move at all, just stood there frozen with Taeyong's mouth against his pulse and his hands on his chest. Without really thinking about it Jaehyun let his face tilt down until his cheek was pressed against the older's. It dimly registered that Taeyong's face felt very hot against his own and he breathed out slowly and then the older turned and their lips met.

Jaehyun hesitated for a moment but then his hands moved from Taeyong's shoulders to his face and he kissed him back. The week had been so perfect already, and Jaehyun hadn't thought he'd needed anything more, but now he wanted this so badly he didn't know how he'd ever ignored it.

Taeyong was pulling at Jaehyun's shirt and then it was off, and then so was the older's, and then Taeyong was fumbling with Jaehyun's jeans and the next thing he knew they were both naked and the older was lying underneath him on his bed. Jaehyun had hooked up with a few people since Taeyong had left, girls and boys, but he hadn't gone that far past this. He kissed Taeyong hard and tried to pay attention to everything that was happening so he could remember it all after the older left but it was hard not to get lost in the sensation of Taeyong's arms around him, his thighs squeezing into his hips, the hardness of him when he pushed up against Jaehyun.

Taeyong pulled away a little and spoke, sounding breathless. "Can we, I mean... do you want to have sex?"

Jaehyun swallowed but he didn't have to think very hard about the answer. "Yes, fuck." He kissed Taeyong again. "But, uh, I haven't before, you know."

"Me neither."

Jaehyun pulled away a little farther and looked at Taeyong's face. He could see the little light in the room shining off his dark eyes. "Really?"

Taeyong raised his eyebrows. "Yes, really. Why are you surprised?"

"I dunno, you're older, you're in college. I just figured...."

Taeyong gave Jaehyun a strange look, like he wanted Jaehyun to understand something more just from his eyes. But he only said, "Well, I haven't."

"Okay." Jaehyun didn't know what else to say so he kissed Taeyong again, letting the heat rise between them, listening to the way Taeyong started getting out of breath.

They tried to stay quiet, which wasn't exactly easy because they kept having to talk to each other at first to decide how everything should work. But eventually it got easier and then the awkwardness faded completely and Jaehyun let himself get lost in Taeyong's body. All that registered was the heat of him and the sound of his breathing and the way he gasped the younger's name until Jaehyun had to cover his mouth to keep him quiet towards the end.

When it was over Jaehyun had a hard time pulling away. Taeyong was just lying there catching his breath but Jaehyun couldn't stop kissing him, on his mouth and his cheeks, holding him tightly, not wanting to let go. Finally Taeyong laughed a little and made Jaehyun get off of him, and Jaehyun laughed too and moved away to throw out the condom and try to clean themselves up, but he felt a little sad. He already knew this was going to make it even harder when Taeyong went back to school the next day. But he climbed in under the covers and curled up around Taeyong, who was already drifting off to sleep. He listened to the older's quiet breathing and felt himself relax until he fell asleep himself.

The next morning Jaehyun woke up very early, when the sun was barely out. The first thing he saw was Taeyong. The older's eyes were already open and he was staring up at the ceiling. Jaehyun was still curled up on his side next to him, his arm over the older's stomach. "G'morning," he mumbled. Taeyong turned to him and smiled, an open, genuine smile, and the thought flitted through Jaehyun's mind that he'd never truly realized how beautiful the older was.

In a few hours Jaehyun's mom would start knocking, asking if Taeyong was already packed, telling them they should come eat breakfast before he left. But they still had time together, and they stayed there as long as possible, lying with their faces close together, coming up with the story that Jaehyun would start writing that afternoon once he was alone again, never imagining that the story would remain unfinished for seven years.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well the flashback is first this chapter bc otherwise we'd be ending on a kinda depressing note (but we're not, don't worry). Thank you for reading this far! 
> 
> Also there's (finally?) some smut in this chapter. I changed the rating down to mature which I think is still accurate (definitely for the story overall) but just a heads up.

_~18 years old~_

Jaehyun was exhausted and in a bad mood by the time he got back to his dorm in the middle of the night. His roommate was out--his roommate had been sleeping somewhere else a lot recently--so he stripped down to his boxers, left his clothes in a pile on the floor, and flopped face down onto his bed.

He'd been at college for about a month and overall it had been great. It had also provided a welcome distraction from thinking about Taeyong. After the older's visit the previous spring, Jaehyun had been right that it had gotten harder than ever to accept being apart. Maybe it would have been harder just because they'd seen each other again at all, but the fact that they'd also had sex, a fact that simultaneously felt unbelievable and inevitable whenever Jaehyun thought about it, seemed to make Jaehyun's thoughts even more painful.

He had been holding on to the hope that the older would be able to return over the summer, but then Taeyong's father had offered him an internship at the company and of course the older had taken it. Jaehyun had raged in his head about it for weeks, wishing Taeyong would refuse to do what his parents wanted for once. But Jaehyun knew Taeyong's parents weren't the only ones who wanted him to do the internship, so he never said anything to the older about his frustration. Even if Taeyong did want to see him, he was probably excited about the internship too, and Jaehyun didn't want to make him feel guilty about taking it.

So Jaehyun had done what he'd done the last time they'd been separated, and tried to silence all the emotions that went beyond friendship with Taeyong. Missing his best friend was at least bearable; missing someone he thought he was in love with felt a lot worse. And missing someone he couldn't stop wishing he could touch, or kiss, or fuck, was intensely frustrating. So he tried to shut that part of his relationship with Taeyong down. And it wasn't so bad--they spent most of their phone calls talking about the story they'd thought of when Taeyong had visited, and Jaehyun spent a lot of time over the summer trying to write it without getting sidetracked by thoughts of the illustrator.

But finally going to college had definitely been a relief. Jaehyun was suddenly a lot busier, for one thing. He was able to take some classes solely devoted to writing, and he was finally surrounded by kids who were equally as passionate about writing as he was. This was new for Jaehyun and he loved it even though the work was challenging.

Jaehyun was also meeting a lot of new people, most of whom he liked and who seemed to like him, and this felt exciting and refreshing. He had gone to a few parties, and he'd hooked up a couple times with a boy he met at one of them. They hadn't slept together yet, and Jaehyun wasn't sure how deeply the other boy--Doyoung--was interested in him, but he was nice and very funny and Jaehyun sort of enjoyed letting someone other than Taeyong occupy his thoughts.

Tonight, however, Jaehyun had gone to a party and just hadn't enjoyed it. Nothing had happened, he supposed he just wasn't in the mood. If he thought back, he'd been in a bad mood all day. It was a Friday, he hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before, he'd almost dozed off during one of his favorite classes, and in general he had just been grumpy all day. It hadn't helped that one of the first things he'd seen when he checked his phone in the morning was that Taeyong had posted a photo of himself for the first time in ages, and Jaehyun was too drowsy to successfully prevent himself from dwelling on the picture--and how much he missed the older, and how much he wanted to touch his cheek and every other inch of his skin.

He should have known to trust himself when, after dinner, all he wanted to do was go home and binge watch TV shows by himself until he fell asleep. But when his friends invited him to a party he didn't want to miss out. He still didn't feel completely at ease with the friends he'd met yet, and sometimes worried that if they hung out without him they might forget to invite him at all the next time. And maybe Doyoung would be there. That would be fun. That would maybe be a relief.

So Jaehyun had gone to the party. As soon as he arrived he was disappointed, which he knew wasn't fair since he just didn't want to be out--or awake--at all. He couldn't deal with the shitty beer for once so he didn't drink and just held a can so no one would ask him why. And of course, given how the day had been going, Doyoung was not there. Jaehyun managed to keep up conversation with his friends for a respectable amount of time, and that wasn't so bad, he supposed. But as he got more and more sleepy it got harder and harder to keep Taeyong out of his mind. He even gave in and looked at the picture again. It wasn't even a terribly special picture, just Taeyong grinning at the camera, but Jaehyun thought the older looked even prettier than he'd remembered. Thinking about this did nothing to improve Jaehyun's mood, and a few hours later he was feeling more irritable than ever and didn't care so much what anyone would think about him leaving.

Now that Jaehyun was actually in bed, desperate to finally fall asleep, he couldn't stop thinking about Taeyong and his eyes wouldn't close. He pushed his face down into the mattress and groaned. He'd been doing fine. Why did Taeyong, who basically never used social media, have to post that stupid picture?

Jaehyun turned his head and grabbed his phone, squinting at the bright screen in the dark. It was just past midnight. "Fuck it." Jaehyun called Taeyong, figuring he'd talk to him about the story for a while until his brain remembered he was exhausted and he could drift off.

"Jaehyun?" Taeyong had clearly been asleep already himself, which surprised Jaehyun. The older's groggy voice made Jaehyun smile a little but made something twist in his stomach at the same time.

"Hey, hyung. Uh, I just wanted to say hi."

"What time is it?"

"Midnight? Ish.... I was busy before, I couldn't call."

"Are you drunk?"

"What? No. I just... saw the picture you posted earlier. It's a nice picture, hyung."

"Oh. Uh, thanks, Jaehyun-ah." Taeyong was quiet for a minute. "How's school? How's that short-story class with the crazy professor?"

"It's going fine. How's school for you?"

"Oh, you know, pretty g--"

"I miss you, hyung."

There was another beat of silence. Jaehyun thought he heard Taeyong take a breath. "Yeah, me too. It's been a while."

"I wish you could have come home over the summer." Jaehyun wasn't sure that was what he had meant to say.

Taeyong sighed. "I'm sorry, Jaehyun." And he sounded so sad about it that Jaehyun immediately regretted saying anything. "I just got so busy. And it was a good opportunity, Jaehyun, I couldn't not do it."

"I know, that's not what I meant, hyung, don't worry. It's not your fault or anything. I just wish it had worked out to visit, or something. I just... I really miss you, that's all. I try not to but it's hard." It was quiet for a while. Jaehyun thought he could hear Taeyong breathing but it might just have been the echo of his own breath against his phone. "Hyung?"

"Mmhm?"

"Do you... do you regret, uh, sleeping together?"

"No," Taeyong said simply. Jaehyun was a little taken aback by how certain he sounded. "Do you?"

Jaehyun hesitated. "No...."

"I feel like there's a 'but' coming," Taeyong said.

Jaehyun sighed. "But didn't it make it harder to go back to being apart?"

This time Taeyong took longer to answer. When he did his voice was quiet, less certain than before. "I don't know. It's hard but... wouldn't it have been hard anyway?"

"Not as hard as it is now," Jaehyun mumbled. He was still lying on his stomach in bed and his face was smushed into his pillow so his words came out slightly muffled. He let his eyes close. "I dunno hyung, I guess you've always been better at accepting things however they work out."

"I don't know.... Maybe I'm just patient."

Jaehyun hummed sleepily. "Yeah, maybe that's it, you've always been more patient than me." He could feel himself starting to finally drift off to sleep. He wasn't sure their conversation had exactly cheered him up but the sound of Taeyong's voice was relaxing and his lack of sleep was catching up to him. Just before he completely fell asleep a thought occurred to him. "But... patient for what, hyung?" Taeyong didn't say anything and Jaehyun's thoughts drifted for a while before he remembered he was still on the phone. "I'm falling asleep, hyung. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" Jaehyun was asleep before he heard Taeyong's reply.

Maybe the fact that he was half-asleep by the end of the call explained why he forgot to call Taeyong the next day. Or maybe it had something to do with the fact that he ran into Doyoung at the dining hall and after they ate together Doyoung surprised him by asking him out on an "actual date." Over the next few weeks it was easy, a relief, for Jaehyun to finally let himself fall for someone who was actually there, literally close enough to touch almost whenever he wanted. He still talked to Taeyong sometimes, even after telling the older he had started dating someone else. But as time passed, Taeyong stopped calling or texting him so frequently, and this made Jaehyun realize that for a while--he wasn't sure for how long--the only times they'd been speaking had been when the older reached out himself. Eventually it became easier not to dwell on the guilty feeling Jaehyun had whenever he thought of the time he was letting go by without reaching out. So the stretches between their conversations got longer and longer and eventually it stopped even making Jaehyun feel bad, and he was able to convince himself Taeyong was just an old friend he'd grown apart from.

_~25 years old~_

By the time Taeyong and Jaehyun finally left the restaurant they had eaten dinner at, it was very late and the place was nearly empty. Jaehyun had nursed a few drinks over the hours they'd stayed there and was just at the point of feeling very warm and content with everything. He stopped on the quiet sidewalk when they got outside and stretched, staring at the clear dark sky, enjoying how it felt after so long sitting down.

When he looked back at Taeyong the older was looking at him, his eyes lingering over Jaehyun's chest and stomach, but he flicked his gaze away quickly. Jaehyun straightened out his shirt and ignored how warm his cheeks felt. He tried not to read into something as simple as a glance. "Where do you live, hyung?"

"Oh, not that far actually, since we came to over here for dinner. I could probably walk."

"Nice," Jaehyun hummed.

"Um, do you want to come? I know it's late but... I was thinking since earlier, because you brought the finished story.... I mean all my drawings are there." Taeyong paused and Jaehyun was just about to respond when the older kept talking, sounding a little rushed. "But we could do it another time, maybe you're tired."

Jaehyun laughed a little. "No, it's fine. I want to see them. And honestly I want to see your apartment. I bet it's nice." He raised his eyebrows at the older, who shrugged and looked a little embarrassed when he smiled back.

They started walking and it wasn't long before they came to a sleek building. Jaehyun whistled as dramatically as possible as they entered and Taeyong elbowed him. When they got upstairs--many floors up, in a very smooth elevator--Taeyong's apartment was smaller than Jaehyun had expected but it was beautiful. It was characteristically neat and the furniture was minimal but the place felt cozier than Jaehyun would have thought. It felt lived in.

After showing him around a little, Taeyong left Jaehyun in the living room and went to find the drawings he'd been working on. One full wall of the room was glass and Jaehyun wandered over to look out at the night sky and the city lights. He wasn't sure what direction he was facing, but he supposed it was possible that he was looking out towards his own apartment. It struck him again how crazy it was that he and Taeyong had run into each other after so much time had passed. And Jaehyun realized that, unlike the last time he'd seen Taeyong, this wasn't just a visit. They both really lived here, in the same city for the first time in almost a decade.

Jaehyun felt a little light-headed suddenly, staring out at the buildings spread out below. He put a hand on the window to steady himself, and then quickly pulled it away, worried about smudging the glass. He turned and had just dropped down onto the couch when Taeyong came back into the room, carrying a sketchbook just like the ones he'd always used when they were kids. Jaehyun felt even more nostalgic at the sight and his chest ached with it a little.

Taeyong sat down next to him and started flipping through his sketches, but Jaehyun was having a hard time paying attention. All he could think about was that it hadn't even been a week since he'd seen Taeyong again and yet he couldn't deny that all the feelings he'd thought had faded over the years had come flooding back. He couldn't remember ever feeling nervous around the older before but now he did, and this was accompanied by guilt. Jaehyun knew Taeyong had tried harder than he had to stay in touch when they'd been younger, but Jaehyun had just gotten so tired of missing Taeyong all the time that he had given up their friendship along with everything else. It didn't seem like the older had any hard feelings about this, but Jaehyun knew Taeyong wouldn't necessarily show it if he did.

Jaehyun stared out the window again and let the older's voice wash over him, reminding himself that they were here together, that he was allowed to be happy about this even if he regretted how he'd done things in the past. That he shouldn't ruin it this time. Taeyong shifted the pages in front of him, saying, "I know I already asked you a bunch of times about the sorceress, but I don't think I really got her right. How old is she supposed--"

Jaehyun tore his eyes away from the cityscape, looked at Taeyong, and said, "I think you're it for me."

Taeyong looked up from his drawing, the confusion evident on his face. "What?"

"You're it for me." Jaehyun tried to keep his words even. "Maybe you've always been it for me, but we were never in the same place so I didn't really let myself think that way. But now we are. I don't know if you feel anything anymore but... I don't want to lose this again. Lose you again."

Taeyong stared at him, his cheeks going pink. Jaehyun's face felt hot too and as the moment stretched on he started to feel slightly panicky and couldn't help filling the silence himself. "Sorry, I'm sorry hyung, I didn't mean to be... too much. I just, this week.... But if you don't feel that way it's okay, we can just be friends like we always were. I won't make it weird, I promise."

Taeyong blinked and seemed to come to himself a little. "No, no... Jaehyun...." Jaehyun shifted awkwardly, waiting for Taeyong to say he had moved on years ago, he didn't think of him that way anymore, and now that he thought of it why had Jaehyun been such a shitty friend back then anyway? But when he actually spoke his voice was soft and that wasn't what he said. "You've always been it for me." Jaehyun had convinced himself so strongly that Taeyong was going to turn him down that it actually took him a second to register what the older had said, and then another moment to realize that he was still speaking. "I've never not known it was you."

"...Never?"

Taeyong gave a small, self-conscious sort of shrug. "Even when we were kids, even before we kissed that summer. I knew. And then you kissed me when I asked you to, and then when I went back and visited...." Taeyong turned to face the huge window, like he couldn't quite get the words out if he looked at Jaehyun's face. "But I mean, I was still happy to just be friends, I knew we couldn't really be more. We barely saw each other. I knew that was hard for you. Harder than it was for me, maybe, I don't know." He took a breath and looked back at Jaehyun. "But I knew how it felt with you. Even just to be around you. And seeing you again the other day was... shocking? But it felt exactly the same. I thought I got used to all of this a long time ago, I wasn't holding out hope that we... I don't know. But now... hearing you say... that I'm it...."

Taeyong looked down and twisted his hands in his lap. "Hyung...." Jaehyun moved closer and put his hand over the older's, stilling them. "Hyung." Taeyong looked up and Jaehyun almost leaned back automatically at how close their faces suddenly were. But he didn't, and instead he found himself looking at Taeyong's lips. He flicked his eyes back up to the older's, uncertain, but Taeyong was just watching him like he was waiting to see what he would do. So Jaehyun kissed him.

The kiss started out gentle, almost tentative. Jaehyun had a hard time shutting off the part of his brain that was reeling at the whole situation, at how long it had been, at the fact that after so much time they had somehow found each other again. At the surreal, impossible fact that the soft lips against his own were Taeyong's. At how familiar they somehow still felt.

Then Taeyong put his hand on Jaehyun's neck and climbed into his lap and the kiss stopped feeling so gentle. Jaehyun was getting slightly overwhelmed already and they were both still fully dressed and had barely done anything. He put his hands on Taeyong's waist and the older pressed his hips down. Jaehyun's breath stuttered. He moved his hands up the back of Taeyong's sweater and almost groaned just from how warm his skin was under his palms. He wrapped his arms around Taeyong and pressed their bodies close together, hard enough that Taeyong made a small sound into his mouth.

Taeyong pulled away and Jaehyun was leaning forward to try to find his lips again when the older pulled his sweater off over his head. Jaehyun stared. Then he brought his hand up and pressed it into the center of the older's chest. He could feel Taeyong's heart beating under his hand. "Hyung...." The older leaned down and kissed him again, shifting even closer against Jaehyun's body. He could feel that Taeyong was hard. He tightened his arms around the older's waist and managed to shift them until Taeyong was lying underneath him. Taeyong wrapped his legs around Jaehyun and pulled off the younger's shirt.

When Jaehyun's bare chest pressed down against the older's he couldn't stop thinking about how warm his skin felt, almost burning up against his own. He moved his lips to Taeyong's neck. "Wait," the older said, breathless. Jaehyun pulled away, worried, but Taeyong just twisted up until he could reach the light next to the couch and turn it off. "Because of the window," he mumbled. Jaehyun turned and looked at the glass next to them, the city spread out below, a city they were now invisible to. The room was barely dark even with the lights off. He thought of his own bedroom, in the house he'd grown up in, that never got truly dark because of the streetlights. The room he and Taeyong had spent endless hours in together. The room where they had eventually slept together, the one and only other time they did.

He looked back down at the older's face, his dark eyes shining in the weird light. He touched his wet lips. "I can't believe you're really here, hyung. After all this time." Taeyong opened his mouth until Jaehyun's fingers slipped inside. Jaehyun could feel his tongue move hotly over them and then through the distraction of this sensation he realized Taeyong's hands were fumbling with his belt and undoing his jeans. "Hyung...? Oh--" Taeyong pushed his hand down Jaehyun's pants and started stroking his length. Jaehyun was torn between wanting to kiss him again and wanting to keep staring how he looked with his fingers in his mouth. Finally he pulled his hand away and kissed him, and licked into his warm mouth. He trailed his wet fingers over Taeyong's nipple and swallowed his soft moans.

Jaehyun kissed Taeyong's neck and then kissed down his body until he reached the waistband of his pants. The skin there was very soft against his lips and his nose and he lingered there for a moment. He managed to get Taeyong's pants off and he pressed his mouth against his hard length through his boxers. The older moved his hips and moaned quietly in a frustrated way, and then pushed his hand into Jaehyun's hair. "Jaehyun-ah...."

"Hmm?"

"Stop teasing...."

Jaehyun raised his eyes to look at Taeyong, who had lifted his head to look down at him. "What do you want me to do?" Taeyong actually scowled but didn't say anything. Jaehyun stuck out his tongue and dragged it a little over the fabric of his boxers. "Hm?"

Taeyong's hand tightened in Jaehyun's hair. "Jaehyun, it's been seven years, this isn't the fucking time." Jaehyun's mouth actually opened in shock but his dick throbbed at the sound of Taeyong's voice. Taeyong was usually so... mild. Although now that he thought about it he supposed Taeyong had always been the one who initiated things--the kiss, the other time they'd had sex--so maybe he shouldn't have been so suprised. But he'd never been quite so... demanding.

"Holy shit, hyung."

"I'm serious," Taeyong said. "Suck me off already, please, fuck."

So Jaehyun did. He swallowed him down and ignored the way the older tried to push him away when he was about to come, and then he swallowed that too.

He crawled back up over Taeyong, kissing him until he reached his face and kissed his lips. He could feel the older smile against his mouth and he laughed a little. "In a better mood now, huh?"

"Shut up," Taeyong mumbled. But he put his hand on Jaehyun's neck and kissed him more deeply.

Jaehyun struggled to stay present as Taeyong pushed off the rest of the younger's clothes, as he rolled over onto his stomach underneath him, as he let Jaehyun prepare him with his mouth and his fingers. But it was hard to keep his thoughts from slipping back to the past. He wasn't sure if this was making him sort of depressed or if it was making him appreciate being with the older now even more. But when he finally pressed inside Taeyong, everything else faded away. He held the older's waist hard and kissed the heated skin along his shoulders and murmered things into his ear and listened to him gasp and moan into the couch cushions.

When he finally came the rush of emotion that accompanied it was intense. He stayed lying on top of the older, their sweaty skin pressed together, reluctant even to pull out until Taeyong started to squirm in discomfort. Jaehyun finally kissed the back of Taeyong's jaw and pulled away, standing up and helping the older up too. He wasn't sure what to say, not because he felt uncomfortable but just because there were too many things he wanted the older to know. They stood there for a moment in the dark room and then Taeyong said, "You'll stay here tonight, right?"

"Yeah," Jaehyun said. His voice felt strange in his throat. Taeyong smiled and started to walk towards the bathroom. "Hyung," Jaehyun called after him. Taeyong was almost in the hallway already but he turned back. Jaehyun crossed the room to him. He'd been planning to finally say something, he still felt like there was _something_ that he needed to say, but when he got close to the older he just held his face and kissed him. A shiver went up his spine when Taeyong put his hand on his waist. "Hyung...." Jaehyun pulled his face away a little, but stayed close enough that he could feel the older's breath over his skin. He wanted to tell Taeyong that he wouldn't just stay tonight, he would stay forever if he wanted him to. He wanted to tell him that he'd meant it when he said he was it, _this_ was it. He wanted to say he was sorry for being so careless with their friendship when he was younger, for not realizing that even if friendship wasn't all he wanted at least it was still something real and worth working for.

But what he said was, "I love you." And despite everything, it still felt as simple and true as the first time he'd said it, standing outside in the dark, soaking wet from the downpour, the night before Taeyong left for college and everything started changing. But this time when Taeyong said it back Jaehyun couldn't help but smile at all the time they had ahead of them, together, to keep saying it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed :) Thanks again for reading. I really appreciate your comments if you want to leave any (no pressure lol). I changed my mind a lot about this story as I went, way more than other things I wrote (maybe cuz keeping track of the flashbacks was hard haha) so hopefully the ending holds up <3


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